Passionate Marriage

[eyesopened]

Tim and Dave,
Is Passionate Marriage only about sex in a marriage or do you believe it can help in other areas in a marriage.

Sex is good in our marriage, and I'm grateful to TSSM for showing me the hurt and rejection my husband felt when I'd turn him down because I was too tired, busy, etc. And, I now recognize and am confronting my own problems with trust and intimacy resulting from my upbringing and childhood, which has resulted in me changing attitudes and behaviors.

But, now I see some other destructive patterns in our marriage (not enough to destroy the marriage but enough that I sometimes just want to walk away for awhile, find an empty field, and scream in frustration). Specifically, I'm talking about some passive aggressive behavior from my husband instead of just confronting me directly (He seems to sometimes provoke while also trying to avoid conflict and confrontation with me, but not with other people, possibly a result of his childhood years in the role of the "very responsible" child in a home with two alcoholic and abusive parents who were also pillars of their community.) When I express anger or hurt about anything he does (such as making unilateral decisions that affect both of us), he either withdraws for a while (the silent treatment) or he explodes in anger. Yet, if I'm angry or upset and don't say anything, he seems to pick up on it and will badger me nonstop with questions like "What's wrong", "What did I do now?", "Why'd I even bother coming home?".

The last time this happened (after my epiphany as to how I'd hurt him), I saw the old pattern beginning and told him what I was angry about, that I just wanted to feel angry for a short while, and I reassured him several times that I loved him, that I wasn't going to leave him, that I just needed some time and space because I was upset. That seemed to break the old pattern, and we ML later that night.

But, I ended up feeling some resentment that my legitimate feelings of anger had to take second place to reassuring him (He'd swept papers, including documents and worksheets that I had spent days sorting and putting in order for our tax return, which was very complicated this year, off my desk during an argument. He was apologetic later when he found out what the papers were and that simply picking up the papers and piling them back on my desk couldn't "fix" things, and he planned and made dinner for the next 3 days to try to make up for the additional time I needed to finish our taxes and my parents' taxes.)

But, what I'm hoping is to find some way to stop the old familiar pattern from even starting (and I'm sure we're both at fault here) and the passive aggressive behavior, which is very aggravating and frustrating to me (it's easier to deal with the truth and direct confrontation). I'd like to be able to express anger or hurt about specific behaviors (telling me he'll be home for dinner at a certain time but coming home more than half an hour later because somebody walked into his office or called as he was leaving) or incidents without him feeling threatened or that I'm attacking him. And, I'd prefer that he directly confront me about things I've done or his feelings (he would never ever have told me that he felt rejected or hurt when I said no to sexual overtures, I had to ask him directly after reading TSSM and some of the posts on this board) rather than engage in passive aggressive behavior or expect me to read his mind.

Think PM can help with something like this?