WW ended EA 4 mos ago; trying to restore intimacy

[hoosjim]

So, the consensus, including me, appears to be that in order for any effort at reconcilliation to be worthwhile, that W needs to be "all in". Further, if she is not, that i should, in some respect, "let her go." So, my question to everyone (not just Ginger to whom i am "responding" here) is: What do those two things "look like", in your opinion ("all in" and "letting her go"). Coconut kind of responded to this a little bit, below in terms of what he thinks I should be doing for me, but... given the particular dynamic in my case (I've thrown all in to this, I am being a good husband, offering some pursuit, being cheerful, PMA, going to counselling, etc., and her voicing some level of commitment to it but not, apparently whole-heartedly.)

What i mean, is, how do i approach each of these facets with my W? The first seems a little clearer-- I just need to talk to her, ask her in no uncertain terms: "Why are you doing this, why did you break it off with OM, are you fully committed to this marriage and doing whatever it takes to renew/restore/fix it?" and hope for an unequivocal answer.

The second, to me, would something like: "W, i know you have been trying, and doing alot of things that you know I want you to do WRT working on our MR, but... I can tell your heart is just not in it... you've told me your heart is not really in it. I don't want to continue with this under those circumstances... i want us to have an amazing, fulfilling MR and I don't see it happening the way things are going right now. You've said you need to get some things of your own figured out, and mentioned IC several times now, so if you want time and space to figure those things out, and get counselling, you're welcome to stay here as long as you are not seeing other men. You're also welcome to go if you think that's best. I am not saying i want a separation, just that right now, where you are, I don't know how beneficial further MC would be." And then pull back, stop pursuing, be pleasant when around her, and go have fun and be amazing on my own. Presumably all after Christmas.

What are other posters' thoughts on this. The second aspect of this seems the trickier by far... how to disengage and reverse course when we've already gone down that road a bit, and without doing any further, permanent damage to our R that might keep us from reconciling in the future.



And should have added to the above at the end of the second paragraph: "And what, in y'all's opinion, does "all in" and "unequivocal" look like coming from my W?"