One of the things that I am working on is being self-aware of my feelings and not shutting them out, but processing them and doing something constructive with it.
I am a bit all over the map with my emotions lately.
I feel a lot of disgust and some anger towards W today. I have no doubt she had an EA with this guy (I don't know if she has recognized that), which truly began before BD. After BD, one day she came and told me he made a move on her and kissed her, but she pushed him away and was all messed up about what happened. She said she cut him out her life, which I don't fully believe.
Anyways, what's been bothering me is that she put herself in a situation where something like that could've happened. Whether she was naieve about what was going on or didn't want to acknowledge she was doing something inappropriate. She came back that evening and told me that he had made a move on her and she rebuffed him, but wouldn't tell me anything else. This was pre-DB days for me and I didn't handle it the way I would do now.
When all of this happened she has lied to me and not given me the truth and just been deceiving. It's just so much bloody disrespect towards me. Throughout the whole MR, I never even glanced at another woman and made sure I never put myself in a position where something inappropriate, however small, could happen. And here she goes and does this and then goes out on at least one date with someone else. I am sure there were more but I don't know about it and I never really did snoop when we were under the same roof.
Basically at this point, I feel like I don't know this woman at all any more. I have no desire to see her or spend any time with her. Not because I would pursue or engage in R talks or not DB well, but I just don't feel like being around her. She truly feels like a stranger to me.
So, we have kids stuff as all parents do. Some of it is unavoidable like school events, but then there are some extracurricular stuff on the weekends which would be the only time I would have to see her.
My issue right now is that I don't feel like going to them when I don't have the kids during that particular weekend. I don't care to chit chat with her or even see her. I know these interactions are opportunities to show them who you are now and have no expectations.
I do love the fact that I can see the kids briefly when they're not with me during such events, but I just don't want to see her.
I am not trying to make a hard decision whether or not to go to the kids events because she's there, I just feel kinda drained and fed up and I couldn't care less what she's doing at this point. I just want to spend time with what I want to do and focus on me.
I know that I have to be the strong one, the cool one etc etc in such interactions, and do it for the kids and everything, but I just feel kinda beat up right now and I don't want her in my life in any capacity at this point.
I have zero trust in her; I don't believe anything she says; and I am losing my attraction towards her.
Just putting my thoughts and emotions down. I know I've been swinging all over the place, but this helps me process it and put it down on paper, so as to speak.
