Hello Artista, I was really fascinated to read your comment that you've been lurking here that long, thank you for finally introducing yourself! Do you think these forums influenced your decision to try and make things work?
We rarely get the perspective of a WAS but when we do it's extremely valuable (Sandi has obviously been a huge help here) so it would be great to hear more about what made you decide to leave, and what eventually led you back. Also it would be fantastic to hear your perspective on what your H did after you left that didn't work and did work.
Gordie... i too did a lot of what your wife has done... did what i could to "play family." while i was doing it, it seemed like the best of both worlds... but as i started reading these threads, i saw it from another point of view... that it was me trying to live two lives... and i could see that there was a phoniness in it... i would go back to the marital home and cook meals for my husband and sons, so they could have access to food while i was away living my own life... i would do laundry for my sons when i moved back from the opposite coast because i felt guilty for the time i was away... we would even have "family dinner" on Sundays...
i realize that i do have a lot more background to share... i will give it in pieces... as i have time... for now let me say that my derailing began as an online EA with someone from my past... and it took a couple of years to come about... we found each other on classmates.com... did a quick check-in... it had been about ten years since we had last spoken... up until that time, we had maintained a sort of friendship... just getting in touch every so often... going to lunch... meeting for a drink... no big deal... definitely platonic, even though we had dated in the past, and had known each other forever... we were both married at that point... it was when i became a mother that we had lost touch... plus i had moved away from my hometown about that time too, so we just lost touch...
after classmates, a couple of years later we reconnected via facebook... while we kept in touch via social media, there was nothing other than casual friendship for the longest time... and then one day he suggested we meet up for a tequila shot--which is something we used to do together... and it was something my husband and i enjoyed doing together from time-to-time... the second i read his suggestion, i knew it was wrong... it scared me... i literally walked away from my desktop... there was fear, but there was also an excitement that surprised me... but instead of addressing the invitation straight on, instead of right-out declining, i made light of it... and it was set aside... for the time being...
over the next 8-10 months, we kind of began an EA... the thing is, i wasn't even into it... i could take or leave his messages to me... sometimes i would respond, sometimes i wouldn't... he was pretty consistent in messaging me, but i wasn't...
and then, one afternoon, while i was having Margaritas with my niece (another niece who is my age) and our family friend at Chili's--OM walks in... coincidence...
Chris--i have been impressed with your willingness to "get with it," so early in your situation... while you have not yet "bought in" with your whole heart, you seem to be doing the work anyway, and i see that it's working for you... before i go any further, let me go to your thread and share my thoughts there...
So what happened? And was OM considered a step up from your H or a step down? My W in my own sitch continues to cheat down with every new person that enters the picture.
So what happened? And was OM considered a step up from your H or a step down? My W in my own sitch continues to cheat down with every new person that enters the picture.
Seems like the WW always "trades down". Maybe it is just a universal truism that all men that would mess with another man's life are pond scum. I can't think of single, objective, redeeming quality that OM had over me in my case... other than that he had inside intel via me (we were friends) on my W's vulnerability, and that he lavished her with praise and attention (after several years of neglect by yours truly. I often say that if I could name a "Right Place at the Right Time Poster Child", the OM in my sitch would be it. OM, At 54, is five years older than my wife, but looks 25 or more years older (my W can and does routinely pass for mid 30s, and OM is a heavy drinker and that lifestyle has taken its toll-- big bear belly, all grey hair, mostly bald), is not well off financially as a towtruck driver (and not even full time) and is about as lowbrow unintelligent as they come. And not to mention that he is a backstabbing wife-stealer.
Youll see lots of similar stories on these boards...
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
...big bear belly, all grey hair, mostly bald), is not well off financially as a towtruck driver (and not even full time) and is about as lowbrow unintelligent as they come. And not to mention that he is a backstabbing wife-stealer.
Yeah, my XW's OM is the total POS package. And, he's married and creepy as h3ll. It's beyond comprehension.
i did not "trade" down... OM is, as far as the world is concerned, an above average decent man... he is hardworking, in shape, an involved father... comes from a nice family... has his own nice family... has a professional career... does not do drugs, does not drink too much... he is a lot like my husband... an all-around good guy... i had 2 additional EAs--one, about a year after i began the A with OM, and the other very short-lived, during the A... and the EA OMs (OM2-3) were also all-around nice guys... my EA with OM3 mainly took place during the beginnings of my separation, and went on while i was on the opposite coast... until i met someone there, where i was living...
i am telling you, i could write a series... it has been some years since all of this happened, and i am now, after much time and counseling, at a place where i can own what i did without all the heavy guilt that comes along with it... i had a lot of guilt for a long time... guilt about the betrayal to a man who did not deserve it... betrayal to my sons who did not deserve a mother who moved away for 18 mos... tears still come to my eyes when i think about these things... but there does come a time when the one who caused the destruction has to get passed that... when he/she has to put down the burden (have you ever read The Pilgrim's Progess by John Bunyan?) if he/she is to really live again... if he/she is ever going to be available to the people in his/her life...
