Separation imminent....

[TBSakaJ9]

I'm smart, witty, reasonably good looking, kind, faithful, and working on myself to be the best me I can be.

Do you believe this? Do you need her validation? Do you need her to give you a gold star of approval?

[Hermes]

Great point.
I don’t need sh@t from her.
I know this about myself.
Just need to keep reinforcing it.
Thanks for pointing that out.

[joejoe1]

H,

Good job. Now, what are your GALs? You are starting to pull away, if you are serious she will feel it, she will respond be ready and don't forget to respond with love. Don't be a jerk or mean.

Keep up the great.

You do deserve better. But don't get revengeful. Only thing you need to say is you deserve better. You don't another woman in that equation. Now you need to demand better for yourself. Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy. A really good book and it will open your eyes to A lot of characteristics that need to be fixed. The NGS is something most LBS have.

[MoveFrwd]

I've been holding onto hope that she might still come around before D is final...

No, it's not likely. But is it really that different if she 'comes around' a month after D? A year after D? a week before D?

My point is that the divorce is just a reporting of your relationship status to the government. Being divorced doesnt dictate how you feel about her or your family.

YOU do.

but once it's final, I figured no reason to keep on hoping,

In her mind, the divorce is already final.

She is sleeping with another man. She is emotionally attached to another man. What thread of marriage are you desperately holding on to?

Hope is good. And im not saying to run out and divorce her.

Im telling you to step back and look at your situation with a beginner's mind. If youve already lost everything, what more is there to lose?

just needed to move on with my life completely and as part of that stop communicating with her about anything non logistical with kids.

The saying here is that you need to move FORWARD with your life. Not move on to another relationship.

Yes, you need to cut back on your communications with W. But your focus needs to be on you and rebuilding your life how HERMES wants it to be.

I guess the fact that I was trying to DB and act "As If..." the affair doesn't matter concentrating instead on her...

Youre right. The affair doesnt matter.

But you need to concentrate on YOU.

Not her.

I have been taking her "warming up to me" behavior as positive signs based on my actions

Maybe.

Or she has a lot of happy feelings because her R with OM is going well. Or shes happy to be moving towards D.

Who knows.

Other than LRT and keeping her in Basement to sleep along with continuing to GAL, work on self and focus on kids...
anything else I'm missing?

Hermes - Have you read DR?

If so, what are your goals? Not just about marriage. But what do you want to accomplish? What are you doing to get there? It's probably the MOST important chapter in the book, but almost everyone I see runs straight to the chapter on 'what to do' --> LRT, etc.

Those things above are loose concepts that dont show any clear plan to me.

How can you get somewhere without a map? Thats the goal setting!

[Ginger1]

H.....I saved this one as well.

Most women suddenly get VERY attracted to a man who walks away with his head held high knowing and realizing that he is a "great catch" and that he not only DESERVES a woman who is mad about him, but will GET one..

Your own lack of self confidence in what she really is giving up is what is holding back reconciliation. LET HER GO.. YOUR CHOICE.. YOU be the letting go leader..

MAKE her chase you... You have NEVER given her the chance to see how she really feels about you.. Give her that freedom and give her that chance. Hold the line. . Show her a man who chooses NOT to be with a woman who isn't attracted to him. They both deserve better.

I like this ALOT...

I was thinking of telling her if/when it comes up as to why I've changed (I told her I was done earlier today)

I've decided I deserve better. I deserve a woman who wants to be with me and not someone who wants another man. I'm smart, witty, reasonably good looking, kind, faithful, and working on myself to be the best me I can be. I know there are a number of women out there who are really looking for a guy like me.

I get that you don't like my changes or the fact that I like to cook, clean, take care of the woman I'm with and my children... that's on you.

I'm certain the next woman in my life will at some point be sending you a nice thank you card for setting me free for us to find each other.

You need to stop with all the explantions and words. Just BE that man, don't tell her about it. You keep making up this conversations you would have in certain scenarios. Thinking the right words will flip her around. it doesn't happen that way.

And as far as giving her conditions on coming back in the bedroom? Don't. Just tell her she is out. When she is ready to ask back, then you decide if you actually want her there.

[LH19]

So... how exactly does this come across then with actions not words...

You start moving on a making a great fuching life for yourself. You exercise daily, eat right, take classes, learn to ride a motorcycle etc....

You become so awesome that your W says "what the h$ll am I doing with this old bald guy? I want H back!"

Then you know what there is a really good chance you don't want her back because you found someone better. Also, if you do take her back she is going to have work her a$$ off and earn it.

Baby steps H but it starts today!

[Hermes]

H,

Good job. Now, what are your GALs? You are starting to pull away, if you are serious she will feel it, she will respond be ready and don't forget to respond with love. Don't be a jerk or mean.
[\quote]

I'm going [Out] tonight and Saturday Nt... no plans tonight yet... might go to Meditation meetup, then hang out at a microbrewery and read some self help books eat some wings.

Sat, I plan to do a hike in morning and in afternoon/evening meet a friend to do some outdoor photography then have some beer and maybe take in a local band with another friend.


All she knows is I'm going OUT on calendar.
She kept telling me she "doesn't need/want to know where I'm going or what I'm doing, etc. et." broken record every time I'm going out (think she's trying to force herself to not care/detach and pretty sure this mantra is coming from her counselor as is the tell the parents ABSOLUTELY nothing and we're private people with script for parents and kids.

Trying really hard to not be mean/cold/or a jerk as I messed that up a bit early on... being too cold and a bit of a jerk.

[quote=joejoe1]
You do deserve better. But don't get revengeful. Only thing you need to say is you deserve better. You don't another woman in that equation. Now you need to demand better for yourself. Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy. A really good book and it will open your eyes to A lot of characteristics that need to be fixed. The NGS is something most LBS have.

will look into the No More Mr. Nice Guy... I had heard mixed things about the author of the book... but several folks seem to like this book.
I agree I don't need/want another woman in my life anytime soon... That said, I do miss physical companionship and emotional attachment. and even though I don't think I was a very nice guy in the past to her... I have become a very nice guy to her since the BD... which probably didn't help my case any.

[joejoe1]

H,

Great Job on GALs. What kind of beer to you like? Wings and beer are my favorite meal. Well use to be. The W and I are vegans. It hasn't been that hard. Not as hard as I thought.

Is the hike, moderate or hard?

[Hermes]

question for Cadet if anyone knows how to reach him...

I asked her to move out of BR... everyone here says that I did the right thing (she didn't bring it up last night just got ready for bed took her pillow downstairs and I didn't see her until 7:15AM when I was shaving and she came in to take shower).

cadet says to another person who's not in the Bedroom that:

MOVE back in the bedroom.

Make her move out if she does not want you there

Moving out of the house and bedroom is a MAJOR mistake that is made in these situations.

I get this is a different sitch as the LBS moved out and he says make her move out if she doesn't want me there... in my sitch... WW never asked, nor told me to leave BR...
I asked her to go back to basement to sleep as I needed to get some sleep.
That said, didn't sleep particularly well last night alone... but also didn't have to worry about guarding myself against bumping up against her or touching her prompting a reaction from her "could I have a little space" as she wants nothing to do with me...

Am assuming I still did the right thing based on all the feedback I got... but wondering what Cadet meant by

Moving out of the house and bedroom is a MAJOR mistake that is made in these situations.

Is this just for the LBS? or in general? (and I get that WW is diff. than other sitch.

[Maika]

That advice is for the LBS. There are obviously extenuating circumstances where the LBS moving out is a better idea.