Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 7

[Accuray]

Awesome, thanks Holding. When it became obvious to me that we were headed for divorce and not reconciliation, I met with a child and family therapist to ask about how best to protect the kids through this. It was a 50 minute session and cost about $80 or so. It was *invaluable*. I've never gotten divorced before, I've never had to steward kids through a divorce, so I was winging it, and going with what I thought was right, what other people were telling me, etc., but it was all just guesswork.

A competent professional is going to give you excellent advice. After the first meeting I decided to go in for a joint meeting with exW. The point of that meeting was not to discuss anything about our sitch or anything between us, it was to 100% focus on do's and don'ts of co-parenting, how to act while living in the same house, how to handle disagreements, how to talk to the kids about the impending divorce, what they would be worried about, what they needed to hear, etc. etc. It's just so critical.

Secondly, in my state, you are forced to separately attend a parenting class before you can get divorced. The instructor of that course was very clear that divorce does not mess kids up, bad parenting messes kids up, full stop. She said the most damage is done when parents can't talk to each other, can't be in the same physical space and won't cross each other's thresholds. You must invest in a productive co-parenting relationship, and part of that is being the better man when exW is being difficult.

The difficulty with discussion boards is that so much of this is nuance and that's impossible to discuss effectively in this format. You can say the same words using two different tones of voice and have a totally different interaction with someone.

Being strong is key, standing up for yourself is key, but doing so in a controlled, civil manner is the best thing you can do for your boys.

Please please please consult a family therapist for their benefit. Although it's painful, focus on how you've been acting and how you contribute to these situations, because you simply can't change STBXW. If you like the therapist, invite STBXW to join you, and make it non-threatening for her by saying that you're just going to focus on how best to steward the boys through this process and the session will have nothing to do with anything between the two of you.

Please do that, it will pay dividends for your boys for the rest of their lives.

Acc