Wife left me - paranoid and maybe bipolar

[Accuray]

Hello skyl1,

Very sorry to hear about what you've gone through, it's just awful. Setting aside your wife's possible mania, you've definitely set the table that she can do whatever she wants and you'll be there to pick up the pieces and do whatever you can to get her back. As a result, she has absolutely no fear about losing you, and therefore no motivation to do anything to heal things between you.

It seems like in your relationship you've done a lot of caretaking even preceeding this episode -- making dentist appointments for her, rescheduling them for her when she decided she didn't want to go, making her soup, etc. etc.

There's "being a nice spouse" and then there's "being a surrogate parent" and it feels (to me) like you've been way over the line with the caretaking/saving/parenting behavior.

Do you see this and agree with this?

When you act that way, you're relieving her of the need to be responsible, because you're effectively taking on the burden of responsibility in her life.

Then, she can take advantage of you and you keep coming back for more.

Your relationship has gotten in a fairly serious imbalance of her being "one up", doing whatever she wants to do, and you metaphorically clinging on to her leg so she won't leave you.

You need to end that. The only way she's going to value you is if you act like a person to be valued.

Does that make sense? She is an adult, therefore she needs to be treated like an adult and to live with adult consequences, and you need to establish boundaries for how you will and will not be treated.

You cannot control her, you can't change her decisions. She will do what she will do, but you can choose how you will respond, including rejecting treatment that you can't accept.

You need to be willing to blow things up and walk away if pushed too far, and she needs to know that.

Right now, you've established that you will always be the one to cave in, apologize, and come back with your tail between your legs asking to make things right. Where is that going to get you longer term?

I realize that changing this dynamic comes with lots of fear -- you're terrified of losing her.

Accept that -- embrace it, and get some help in dealing with it. You should be seeing a therapist yourself regarding your caretaking role in this relationship, your fear of losing her, and where this stems from. You can change this relationship by changing yourself.

Her potential mental illness is certainly an issue to be contended with, but if we put that aside your behavior in this relationship was leading you to a bad place regardless.

I strongly suggest you enlist some professional health from a competent therapist and focus ON YOU, not on her and what is wrong with her.

As others have said, regardless of whose name is on the bank and credit card accounts, as her spouse you are 50% liable for any debt she accumulates, so you should enlist a lawyer to see what you need to do to protect yourself.

Acc