Separation imminent....

[Hermes]

H,
If she ask about coming to the bedroom, don't tell her what to do. You should something like. IMO you should something like:

"I have been enjoying all the space and freedom in the bedroom since ive been in there by myself. I would only want you to come back if we are working on the M."

See what I did there. I didn't say "since you been out the bedroom". I made that statement about you and not her.

Second, in that statement you are not telling her to come or not come, you are giving her and option. She can stay in the basement and continue what she is doing or start to work on the M and come back to the marital bedroom. (Don't try to explain none of this to your, just the statements above will do).

Its yours now. Make it your domain, and she has to earn her way back in. She left.

I like what you are saying... was hoping she'd still be in basement and was a bit disappointed to find her in our bed again last night waiting up for me to get home...

Think I made the right choice in asking her to go back downstairs.
Still on the fence with her taking all her possessions down there AND all toiletries (there is a shower down there but it's pretty crappy and feels a bit punitive).

Any thoughts as to whether its worth saying to her tonight. It's hard to sleep with you knowing you don't want anything to do with me. I would only feel comfortable with you coming back up to our bed if you were willing to work on MR.

Guessing at best it'd have 0 effect and worst cause her to start an argument about how I somehow manipulated her into waiting to leave until Jan 30th and then did this to her to try and get her to reconsider (PRESSURE). when this all happened rather organically.

[Hermes]

NicoleR,

Thank you again for your kind words.
This does very much feel like death of a loved one... (I've gone through that before...) and in some ways so much worse as she's still right in front of me...and I'll have to deal with occasionally running into her for the rest of my life outside of kids...
I really feel like after D I want nothing to do with her as long as OM is in picture. Brief exchanges with kids or logistical conversations (which is all she's interested in at any rate).

[LH19]

Truth is I don't want to be with someone who's in Active A, doesn't want to be with me. I do deserve better than this... and I know there are women out there who would really appreciate a guy like me (decent looking, takes care of himself, dresses nice, working on himself, with high morals and integrity).

H,

This is the golden ticket. When you truly get to a place where you believe this it's a game changer. Now it's time to do the work to get you there. That's alpha behavior.

[MoveFrwd]

I really feel like after D I want nothing to do with her as long as OM is in picture. Brief exchanges with kids or logistical conversations (which is all she's interested in at any rate).

What is it about being DIVORCED that you think will automatically make you feel this way?

What is preventing you from acting this way now?

[TBSakaJ9]

H....just know that asking her to sleep downstairs is Alpha. Not caring what she doing or who she is talking to is also Alpha. Going NC and not bringing up your R or MR is also Alpha. Acting like you don't give a f&ck is also Alpha. Give yourself come credit you are starting to display some of the characteristics.

FWIW....I cried my eyes out for the first month and went days without eating. I found this paragraph on this site when I was really struggling and spent hours a day researching. I saved it so I can refer to it when I am struggling. Hopefully it will help.

The people on this site who try the hardest are the ones who have the least success. The harder they try the more they get rejected. Those who let go the fastest, heal the quickest and also are the ones who maximize their chances of getting the wayward back. It is only when you let go that you have your best chance.

[Hermes]

I know in my head that this is the way forward... my heart is another matter... I'm slowly coming around... but it's incredibly painful to realize she's already gone, even though she's right in front of me every day, and NOTHING I can do will change that.

[Hermes]

Ginger1,

Thank you for the vote and support...
I'm getting more resolved on this point.
still have several more hours to keep building resolve...

Any thought on mentioning that if/when she wants to work on MR I'd consider her moving back in? or is it too little too late for this.

[LH19]

Any thought on mentioning that if/when she wants to work on MR I'd consider her moving back in? or is it too little too late for this.

It's too late for that!

Are you now trying to bribe her into staying?

[TBSakaJ9]

Any thought on mentioning that if/when she wants to work on MR I'd consider her moving back in? or is it too little too late for this.

H....that is not Alpha. No more discussions.

[Hermes]

I get that I have a right to both privacy and what I tell my parents...

I just need to figure out what is
A) appropriate to share (nothing doesn't seem right, nor does every detail... thinking broad brush strokes (we both contributed to this situation (not sure if we talk about me not being nice to her, not working with her on budget, and her not forcing issue of budget, giving in to spending... and her finding other man she wants to be with). She is leaving, I wish it was different but I can't stop or dissuade her as she feels justified and there is another man waiting for her on the other side? or just more vanilla.

B) won't destroy dramatically increase any possible road back in future. (kind of worried that any disclosure to either family might make any possible future much more difficult... but know this is a needle in a haystack anyway so not sure I should really care outside of the fact that she might get more mean during mediation/D).

C) how to handle what she's telling her parents... and what to do if I'm right there and she lies to them in front of me (assuming we go with the We're Getting a Divorce, And NO QUESTIONS if you love us... spiel.

D) I know best case scenario if I tell my parents about A or any details... they WILL 90% talk to her parents about it.

E) what we tell kids WILL be different (not going along with just D and no QUESTIONS because we're private people... that seems cold and rude to them...)

F) what to tell friends... I'm planning on saying that she decided she didn't want to be married to me anymore and left. (Know she probably wants to keep it to were D. It's sad... need your support.).