Passionate Marriage

[NotATLDave]

I'm going to try to diagnose my situation through the eyes of Passionate Marriage and hopefully it will make sense how this approach helps you look at things.

First, a quick background. W35, Me 35, D5 married 10. Relationship 15 yrs. Knew each other for 24 yrs. NS pattern emerged immediately after marriage. I was working and putting W last on my list. We polarized and became roommates. This past Jan, W mentioned that her New Years resolution was to become more physical. I got emotionally reconnected to her with a vengence but the lack of reciprocal connection led me to doubt that we would recover. Tried all sorts of techniques from the books etc with no real progress and possibly a backslide. Her sex with me became worse and more "obliging". I got a C and she recommended Passionate Marriage. I read a random chapter (11) and it twisted my head around. Then I went back and bought it and started reading it for real and have been getting great results.

So here goes.....

I grew up in a family where we were always told we were lousy at everything and that good relationships are bound to performance. My mother actually told me once "improve your grades and you will have more friends...in my life, if I can't make friends I at least can gain their respect". Needless to say, my mom was a fierce socialite and civic leader and we all grew up in her shadow with a great deal of insecurity. She interrupted us, changed the subject while we were in the middle of talking etc. Essentially I lived a life where I was rarely validated for my thoughts because she didn't want to listen. In response I developed a louder voice and became obsessed with people "hearing" me and my points but I quickly became a part of the B-crowd in school which led me to self-loathe. Then my mom put me on ritalin and sent me to therapy which actually was ok to some degree because this therapist taught me to blow off anyone who didn't like me which provided a "pseudo-differentiation" and temporarily relieved my anxiety. I took the advice too literally and instead of become "differentiated, I simply became "disinterested". Note that I also had difficulty reading non-verbal cues from others...probably because I was so focused on myself. I also do exhibit some textbook asbergers (hyper-focus for periods) but in a very mild way. Now, don't get me wrong. I wasn't a socially crippled geek...I got girlfriends and could get laid which is when I started feeling a lot more confident about myself (danger lurks with this).

In college, I felt overly compelled to belong to a fraternity and have a group. Had troubles with the social dynamics but made some good friends. Pursued and eventually landed a girlfriend who turned out to be a complete psychotic but I can now see the dynamics in that one played out. My this point in my life, I had actually developed a pretty good "real" differentiation. I was mountain biking and going on ski trips alone and I needed very little validation. This girlfriend was an absolute fuser to the extreme. Her father had sent her to Dale Carnegie training when she was in high school and she learned how "pretend" very well. I thought we were at the same level of differentiation which is what attracted me to her. When she soon discovered that I truly had a life outside of hers, she went freaky on me to the point of whacking her head into a wall repeatedly. I transferred to a school back in Texas to get away. Whoa...wait a minute Dave. Are you omitting something? Why run? Well guess what folks? I played into her fusion thing. Sure I could go do my thing alone, but once I had a girlfriend, I was able to "share my functioning" with someone and she (in a strange way) completed me. She was also a new "mirror" for my reflected sense of self. It took very little to disassemble my differentiation when intimacy was involved especially from someone who intentionally tried to make me think I was responsible for her issues. Despite her needing my validation, I needed her validation...we imploded.

At my new college, I met a neighborhood friend and went on a date with her. I was comfortable choice for her because we had shared history and she didn't feel odd for sleeping with me on our first date. Within a week, she was practically living with me and I was happy to have a girlfriend who thought I was cool. I had a new "mirror". Now, due to my last girlfriend, I established boundaries and behaviors that my GF happily complied with. I was probably overly "pseudo-differentiated" from my last GF because I was skeptical that a GF could let me live my own life and be free to be myself. Anyway, she was very grounded, nurturing, safe yet independent and I was independent with a flair for adventure and excitement. A perfect mix. I taught her to ski and she kept me sane. After 5 years of excitement and a great sex life, we married. This added pressure to me to make the marriage work and be more careful about showing my "true self". I became a little more conservative and so did she for the same reasons. We had both dropped out of college in our 4th year and I started my own business while she worked at crappy jobs. I was able to be MUCH more successful outside of college with my hyper-focus and lack of verbal discretion (it can be an asset too). But I literally left at home while I worked 80 hours a week and W became more independent. I was getting praise for my talents and needed very little validation from W so it wasn't a priority for me to spend a lot of time with her. Actually, when PM says you marry an equally differentiated person, we were exactly that way though mine was probably pseudo-differentiation because I still relied on "other-validation".

At this point, there is already enough toxin to drop an HD woman's desire to 0 and that's exactly what happened. We polarized into a pattern where I "did my things" and she did "her things". Sex was quarterly and it was enough to get her pregnant with our daughter. Either being so engrossed in myself or little bit of the asbergers (which makes it hard to feel personal bonds), I didn't bond very well with my D5 and I kept "doing my thing". I know I'm painting myself out to be a complete a-hole, but remember that I was also very kind and cool together. Now, from the very beginning of our demise, my W *could* have said something. There's an entire story behind her issues with conflict and fear. She claims a huge responsibility now because of this. We fortunately got along great she could stand on her emotional legs while I was propped up by my career. Once again, that's just enough to kill the desire. Also, she could see that my LM and interactions were to elicit a response that validated and soothed me and that I was "giving her orgasms to make myself feel like a stud". In this pattern, we could have lasted forever and been happy. She was very content and didn't need anything from me except a little bit of infrequent attention.

Scroll forward 9 years. My company forces me to move to a home office. I am now able to "be available" to my W by mere proximity but at the same time, I set a goal to do really well in a 9 month (12 race) mountain bike race series and while I was at home, my family wasn't a priority. Work was getting weird because of reorganizations and I was no longer a "lead" on a small project but a member of a "huge" project. I was no longer the star but it was ok because I was a star in the cycling series and had a good group of friends there. The series ended in Oct. but I was looking forward to the awards in Jan. This kept me "soothed" for a couple months without the racing (imagine your W promising sex on a certain day in the future...you HD guys would be fairly relaxed too). Remember in my description of my sitch that my W wanted to become more physical? I'm absolutely certain this had to do with the fact that I was done racing and more engaged in the family Nov and Dec but still differentiated and able to self-soothe in anticipation of the awards. Guess how I felt when I was on stage accepting my award in late Jan? My validation from the racing was over, my job wasn't a source of validation either. I was freaking before I stepped off the stage. So guess where I pointed my flashlight in search of my "fix"...you guessed it. My unsuspecting W who was already quite smitten with me at that point and was quietly working on herself. I started showering her with gifts, jewelry and attention right as we went into Vday. I even got my D5 a card to gain kudos from my W. Despite awesome Vday sex and a follow up a few days later, it went downhill. Why? First of all, the pressure was huge on her. She felt me pushing while still making her feel like she was "broken" in some way. Not a sexy combination. She could also sense that all my efforts were not "choices" to engage her but rather along the lines of "paying a water bill"...that I needed her validation so badly that I was selling myself out for it. And was I ever. The LL that I started throwing at her were not seen as genuine but rather more attempts to get my props. She even started to ignore my AOS and not thank me for them...it was a completely unconscious reaction just like her loss of desire. I get to the point where I'm having tantrums over her lack of "eye-contact" and her not kissing me the right way etc. Look at my old threads here and you will see my anger. She can't be manipulated (note...I said manipulated...not inspired) at all because everything I was doing was to elicit a response that would provide me with some form of validation. I was basically fusing to soothe my anxiety over other problems in my life. My dying dad didn't help issues either and it triggered my to look at my future and quality of life.

I then made an appointment with a C and she told me about Schnarch. I read it and nearly dropped the book as I saw my patterns of my entire life exposed at this point. My Ws LD is a "natural phenomena" not because there's something wrong with her, but as a mechanism to create situations like we all are in and drive us to resolve potentially destructive personal issues. Gaining this clarity gave me clear personal goals that I can take to my C and ask for help with. I can also ask my W to help me recognize and alert me to fusing behaviors. My W is going to read PM now at the recommendation of our C. W is not completely off the hook and there's some ways that she lacks differentiation in terms of fear of "self disclosure". Those are her demons that she will have to work through herself if she wants to have meaningful relationship with me. If she doesn't, then we'll see what happens. My guess is that I will differentiate more and she will probably start to try to fuse with me unless she reads PM and accepts the coaching from our C. PM actually says this is common. You ratchet upwards including "desire".

2004 will be a significant year in my life. I might pick a date to celebrate our new marriage...maybe I'll re-propose to my W and do whole "thing". I feel that hopeful.