Separation imminent....

[MoveFrwd]

Hermes- Before I talk about your post, I want to agree with everyone that is telling you to slow down. This wont be resolved today. Or tomorrow. Now is a time for learning and growth. Honestly, Im worried that you are so busy talking that you arent taking the time and thought to actually read, digest and understand what people are saying to you. You posted all of these 'nuggets', but are you actually internalizing them?

the ring is a symbol of the marriage and commitment to it (she still wears hers some days...some she doesn't...not trying to read too much into it... likely it's her way of easing into the D vs having different thoughts about it.

Your focus should be on YOU. She isnt wearing her ring some days and yet you hail it as a symbol of 'commitment'. So what should that be telling you?

Either way, Im a LOT more interested in what YOU are doing than speculation on why she is doing what she is doing.

D means the end to me... the end of our commitment/vows/promises and the beginning of complete and total separation (save for anything about kids...). It means the death of my love for her... I will need to find a way to kill this off in me or I won't be able to move on...

Do you not see how confused you are. You say "D is the end", but then you say that you "need to kill off [your feelings]". That says to me that divorce doesnt really mean anything. If you have to do something more, then how can just the act of being divorced be the death knell?

Also, she has already ended her commitment. So what does being divorced change there?

I'd like S to give me some breathing room to adjust to new job, new normal maybe continue to improve communications btw us b4 we start adversarial process of mediation which I really think is likely to get ugly quickly as we will have different agendas in it.
This is a lot like me asking her not to do D over Holidays for kids and to give me time to start really working on myself with Counselor. I am in a better place personally now than I was in Sept... but things continue to deteriorate btw us...

So you want to be in a better place personally before going through the D process? Thats understandable. Im glad that you are focusing more on why YOU would like a separation.

Unfortunately, it isnt going to come across well. Youre going to go up to her and say "Id like to pause a little bit before filing for divorce because Im not emotionally ready for it" or something to that effect? I dont see that going over well. It feels like anoher case of putting your needs over hers.

She's pulling away more and more each week

So you think a separation will change that...?

I want to give you an analogy that might help you. Pretend te two of you are going on a walk, but she is three steps ahead of you. Thats your relationship right now - you pursuing her and her distancing herself from you. Imagine if you stop pursuing - she is going to just keep on walking. So from your perspective, it's right - shes getting farther and farther away. But what if, at some point, she turns around. What do you want her to see you doing? What will draw her back in?

Right now, these are the steps people are trying to get you to take:
1) Stop pursuing her
2) Make yourself so enticing that she wants to investigate

Look - you have no control as to whether she will ever turn around. And if she doesnt, then it doesnt matter what you do, your M will be over. BUT, if you follow those two steps above, you will find yourself in a good situation anyway as you made yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.