Separation imminent....

[joejoe1]

H,

I dont think shes coming back to the bedroom anytime soon. A lot of space and freedom down there. If she ask about coming to the bedroom, don't tell her what to do. You should something like. IMO you should something like:

"I have been enjoying all the space and freedom in the bedroom since ive been in there by myself. I would only want you to come back if we are working on the M."

See what I did there. I didn't say "since you been out the bedroom". I made that statement about you and not her.

Second, in that statement you are not telling her to come or not come, you are giving her and option. She can stay in the basement and continue what she is doing or start to work on the M and come back to the marital bedroom. (Don't try to explain none of this to your, just the statements above will do).

Its yours now. Make it your domain, and she has to earn her way back in. She left.

[NicoleR]

Hermes,

I'm not sure if I caught the thread that was deleted or fully understand your situation, but I tried to read through as much as I can of this thread. It seems what you're experiencing is still the early stage of this process where everything seems unreal and doesn't make sense. It's so hard to be in a state of chaos, not knowing where life is headed, watching your marriage unravel and trying to act one way when you feel another way. It's just so hard. I feel sure this is the worst feeling anyone could ever feel short of dying slowly from a terminal illness, the actual death of a close loved one, or some kind of environmental catastrophe. I guess you have to submit yourself to the unknown and trust that you'll find the resources and support to navigate your way through this in a way that gives the best shot at a positive outcome. I hope this is the worst and it gets better from here!

[MoveFrwd]

Hermes- Before I talk about your post, I want to agree with everyone that is telling you to slow down. This wont be resolved today. Or tomorrow. Now is a time for learning and growth. Honestly, Im worried that you are so busy talking that you arent taking the time and thought to actually read, digest and understand what people are saying to you. You posted all of these 'nuggets', but are you actually internalizing them?

the ring is a symbol of the marriage and commitment to it (she still wears hers some days...some she doesn't...not trying to read too much into it... likely it's her way of easing into the D vs having different thoughts about it.

Your focus should be on YOU. She isnt wearing her ring some days and yet you hail it as a symbol of 'commitment'. So what should that be telling you?

Either way, Im a LOT more interested in what YOU are doing than speculation on why she is doing what she is doing.

D means the end to me... the end of our commitment/vows/promises and the beginning of complete and total separation (save for anything about kids...). It means the death of my love for her... I will need to find a way to kill this off in me or I won't be able to move on...

Do you not see how confused you are. You say "D is the end", but then you say that you "need to kill off [your feelings]". That says to me that divorce doesnt really mean anything. If you have to do something more, then how can just the act of being divorced be the death knell?

Also, she has already ended her commitment. So what does being divorced change there?

I'd like S to give me some breathing room to adjust to new job, new normal maybe continue to improve communications btw us b4 we start adversarial process of mediation which I really think is likely to get ugly quickly as we will have different agendas in it.
This is a lot like me asking her not to do D over Holidays for kids and to give me time to start really working on myself with Counselor. I am in a better place personally now than I was in Sept... but things continue to deteriorate btw us...

So you want to be in a better place personally before going through the D process? Thats understandable. Im glad that you are focusing more on why YOU would like a separation.

Unfortunately, it isnt going to come across well. Youre going to go up to her and say "Id like to pause a little bit before filing for divorce because Im not emotionally ready for it" or something to that effect? I dont see that going over well. It feels like anoher case of putting your needs over hers.

She's pulling away more and more each week

So you think a separation will change that...?

I want to give you an analogy that might help you. Pretend te two of you are going on a walk, but she is three steps ahead of you. Thats your relationship right now - you pursuing her and her distancing herself from you. Imagine if you stop pursuing - she is going to just keep on walking. So from your perspective, it's right - shes getting farther and farther away. But what if, at some point, she turns around. What do you want her to see you doing? What will draw her back in?

Right now, these are the steps people are trying to get you to take:
1) Stop pursuing her
2) Make yourself so enticing that she wants to investigate

Look - you have no control as to whether she will ever turn around. And if she doesnt, then it doesnt matter what you do, your M will be over. BUT, if you follow those two steps above, you will find yourself in a good situation anyway as you made yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.

[Hermes]

H,

She’s not coming back to the bedroom.

She was back in the bedroom last night.

Problem is I, i again didn’t sleep well.
2 nets she spent downstairs I slept awesome
Last night woke up about 5 am couldn’t get back to sleep.

Think I may have made things worse...

I said this am to her that I think I’d like her to move back to basement.

She said you seem really angry...

I said no. I’m just done.

She said you asked me to stay to feb box of job and $$ and I agreed. If I had known you were kicking me out, I’d have left in Jan.

Later she asked if their was something she had done.

I said, the two nights you slept downstairs I slept awesome.
Last night with you in the bed I slept like s@@t..
I said maybe it was a fluke I don’t know.



She apologized for not taking my laundry down with hers again. As I took mine down minutes after hers but didn’t say anything. I said it’s fine, don’t care about that.

Later she asked if this also meant she needed to move all of her stuff downstairs as well. Toiletries clothes. I said I hadn’t thought about that. She said it would be inconvenient.

I feel really conflicted about this.

I think she’s painting me badly to kids as I GAL. She mentioned again about all the Nights that I’ve put out on calendar. And S16 asked where I was going last night and I told him church then out with guy from church. He asked what we talked about and I told him. He then said, I don’t think you should go out so late, mom really doesn’t like it.
I tried to tell him that this was an adult matter, and that mom also goes out she dhust does it right from work... so she’s home by 9 or so. I take cRe of you guys so I go out later typically.

I feel like I am actively pushing her away. And giving her further justification for leaving, not that she needs it, she is already out the door.

Part of me feels like DB is now harder as she’ll now be downstairs.

Know I’m weak for second guessing this, and not sure I have resolve to carry through.

Still resolved to no more R/A/M talk.
I’m being scarce on words. But polite when asked.

Spoke to church about sons of omission. Talk with parents, she wants to not say anything. And if infidelity comes up, lie. I won’t lie... but now realize that not saying anything is also a sin. As one person put it, the truth will set you free.

Do parents have a right to know what happened or why she’s leaving? Know there’s probably no right answer... know DB coach would say let her say whatever she wants. Know several of you have advised that I can always go back later and tell them.

I want to be fair and honest. I did a lot of stuff that led us here, she also did stuff.

[Ginger1]

Actually, it sounds like you finally did the RIGHT thing.

Please don't backtrack, because it will negate everything you did.

[Gordie]

Hermès,

You have a right to privacy and a right to your story. Who you tell and how much you tell is up to you including your parents. You are not your w’s spokesman. She can tell her own story and you have no control over what she says, including lies. Feel free to correct the lies if people ask you directly about them later.

[LH19]

H,

You handled yourself pretty well. Like Ginger said please don't backtrack now.

Your'e still doing a lot of mind reading. "For example you are interpreting her being mad because of your GAL as jealousy when it is most likely just keeping he from OM".

Remember that time and space is the only thing that is going to change this outcome.

[TBSakaJ9]

H...I agree with G, good on you. As hard as it was telling her to go back down stairs it is the right move. Don't forget she has been cheating on you for 2.5 years. Don't backslide and if she approaches you about moving out don't stand in her way.

You have to be willing to lose your W before you will ever have a chance of getting her back.

[Hermes]

H....Married Man's Sex Primer deals with a lot of Alpha/Beta behavior. You may want to check it out. It's a good read.

I just picked it up thanks will read it shortly.

I will say this though...you have got to let her go. Stop the analyzing your MR is dead, there is nothing you can do to save it at this time and anything you try to do will push her away farther. she wants nothing from you.

Let her stay downstairs, let her move out. Or you could tell her that you have been doing some thinking and you have realized that you no longer want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You don't want to be with someone who is in an active A. That is not what you want in your life and you deserve better. That you think it is best if she took that apartment ASAP and we can talk about finances and the kids when the time comes.

You want to set her free? Let her know. It may help you start to get some respect back and is certainly Alpha behavior.

Really hard to accept the new reality of dead MR... (I mean it's not new... it had been on a slow path to this for a while prior to BD as neither of us was trying anymore (me with Depression and recovery, her with OM and neglect of R that she didn't find satisfying).

But feels more real each day as we are 20 days out from officially starting the Destruction of MR with telling parents, kids, and I'm assuming friends (we've both told selected friends... she's got a suspicious number of HappyHours on her calendar and I can only assume she's meeting all her and our joint friends to start telling them that we're getting a divorce and how sad it is... not telling them she's leaving and happy as a clam for the R with OM).

I am sticking to my GAL activities from now on... just need to be careful as it feels like she's throwing me under bus with kids... (saying "I don't know where you dad is or who he is with... or even when he's coming home)... and I worry that her telling me to go out as much as I need to even if it's every night... (which I do not do just 2-3 nts. She stays away from home until 7-8 or after each work night because she's got Happy Hours, Workouts, etc.).

Truth is I don't want to be with someone who's in Active A, doesn't want to be with me. I do deserve better than this... and I know there are women out there who would really appreciate a guy like me (decent looking, takes care of himself, dresses nice, working on himself, with high morals and integrity).

Just not sure I want to say this directly to her as she's becoming more erratic the closer we get to World BD. Although, I'm slowly becoming emotionally stronger (bit by bit), to start walking away from the crazy vs. trying to defend/argue/engage...

[Hermes]

LH,

Thanks for the book recommendation and the words of support. Really appreciate both.