Thanks for your feedback. It captures the situation well. That's what I understood - that DB'ing isn't about waiting or staying in a holding pattern even if you try to stay busy.
I've tried to do what I can considering the circumstances here where we are now, but no matter what I do in this city I won't be moving forward until I move to a city where I can work in my field of expertise. It's hard to explain what it's like to not be working. I agreed to reduce my work to care for my daughter because I was having trouble finding a good nanny, and then stopped it all together recently to start a business thinking I would start over here. Then I took my daughter overseas during her summer break and then this happened with my husband, we moved, we got hit by one of the hurricanes, and I got sick.
After all that I don't see the business I started as a good investment and just want to get back to a 'real' job until it makes more sense to be self-employed someday.
It's been so hard being sick. I don't even know if I'll ever be fully healthy again, but I can't sit here and do nothing based on that fact. My husband proved that he wasn't there for me when I needed him, nor for our daughter, so being alone somewhere else is about the same as being near him here.
I plan to move on, literally, to another city, within the coming months. I question how I'll handle it with a new employer, alone with a toddler, if she gets sick and I need to take time off or if my health gets worse and I can't work normally. There are major risks. But being here trying to 'GAL' isn't working for me because I can go to church and plan play dates every day of the week for my daughter but without working and being financially independent I don't feel empowered.
My main hesitation is that my daughter will be the biggest loser if I can't find a flexible job, which I'll try to do, because she'll be stuck at a school or daycare whereas now she's in school in the morning and with me the rest of the day.
Sorry that's a long post but it's so difficult trying to conclude that someone who walked away isn't worth waiting for. It's so hard to visualize a new life where so much could go wrong, and I'm already in a fragile state, but what choice do I have after years of being pushed aside by a husband who's busy cheating and blowing money on himself and his hobbies?
Tonight it got worse because my husband didn't come for his normal two hours yesterday because I had family in town. He said he'd come tonight. Tonight we didn't hear from him at all. Several hours after he was supposed to come I texted him and he said he's tired and he'll come tomorrow at the normal time.
This to me is unacceptable. He couldn't have sent a four word text to say "I'm not coming today?" I told our daughter he'd be coming and we waited and he didn't show up. This has happened multiple times so she never knows if he's coming or not.
To make matters worse, my husband announced he'll be taking off work this coming weekend to visit his family up North. That's great for him, but I wonder in my mind how he can't spend two hours with his child but he can easily take a weekend off to visit his family? And of course that means he won't be taking our daughter this weekend.
This informal separation isn't working so I'll consult with multiple lawyers in the coming week and try to see how the child care issues can be handled from a legal standpoint and how divorce should be handled from two different states (where we are now and where we plan to move).
I still don't wish to divorce, but I also know that the LRT means we're near the end of this process and it will take several months of planning to make everything happen just to move and then it could take months after that to find a job and get my daughter into a new school.
I can't find the DB book so I ordered another one and it's not here yet, but I recall it saying that with the LRT you have to be ready to divorce and follow-through with it, otherwise you lose your credibility. So I'll plan for it and if there's a total miracle and my husband suddenly wants to work things out then great, I'd be the happiest person in the world just to have that final chance even though it still may not work.
The saddest thing for me is that I'm a practical person and I'd even be happy to make an arrangement with my husband where he has freedom in exchange for some semblance of a normal family life for our daughter, but even that he doesn't want. I guess there's always a chance our move will shock him into realizing what he's doing and re-thinking his decisions, but I'm losing hope for that too.
Hi Everyone,
I don't mean to keep rattling off long messages but I'm really struggling. Last night I stayed up late to check apartment prices, preschool tuition, out-of-pocket health insurance, job prospects, etc.. in the city where I want to move. It's where I previously lived for a long time and have a big network but unfortunately it's one of the most expensive places in the country.
Unfortunately, when adding everything up, along with breaking the lease I have here and moving costs, along with factoring in how the transition will affect my daughter (we've moved six times in the three years), it doesn't seem like picking up and moving in two or three months is realistic.
I'm unemployed and drained of cash so all of the above would need to be paid for by my husband. Preferably we'd divorce first but that's another big chunk of cash. My husband is making good money but he's spending way more than he makes, somewhat wrecklessly, so I don't believe he can or will come up with the cash needed for us to move quickly.
I don't want to line up a job first because usually employers want someone to start within a few weeks. We'd have to move immediately and I'd start work immediately. That would be a total shock to my daughter. She'd go from spending most of her days with me to most of her days in a strange new place that I couldn't even fully vet. There may not even be any openings at schools for her. It's also hard with new employers because you have to accrue sick time but kids can get sick at any time. Maybe my illness will get worse too.
So I'm just wondering what anyone else thinks is a better plan? It seems I'm stuck here indefinitely. Maybe that's for the best, in case my husband wakes up one day later on and wants to fix everything and there's still a chance, but it feels like time is wasting away.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/01/1808:48 AM. Reason: combine posts
