Passionate Marriage

[NotATLDave]

I am now making the goal to have a great marriage, and that will include all aspects of marriage, and in particular sex and affection. That is my goal.

How can you make a goal that requires participation and buy-in from someone else? That's completely unrealistic. Sorry.

So what are my "Choices" that will get me there? A great marriage requires that the correct choices be made by two distinct individuals.

You have absolutely 0, zilch, nada, no control of the choices that your W makes. I repeat...YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OF THE CHOICES THAT YOUR W MAKES. So why make a goal that only one person has buy-in for?

Tim is right...it was bad of me to point everyone to Chapter 11 before I had read the first parts. That particular chapter rung a bell with me for some reason but now that I've read the beginning, it makes even more sense. Actually, if you focus on yourself while reading PM, there are probably 10 breakthroughs you will have before reaching that chapter.

Tim and I are in the exact same place right now...a little uncertain about what to do but I think we are currently mastering an important part of "differentiation" - self-soothing by invalidating all of our behaviors that are results of us looking for validation from others (W included) and man...it feels cool. I think I'm struggling with my "identity" when I've never really had a clear sense of it do to my overwhelming "reflected sense of self" that comes from other people. That's why I'm so good at my job....irrational fear of seeing myself as a loser in the eyes of my team.

In the meantime, I'm not going to commiserate with you and I definitely don't want you making any comments in this thread until you have read the book. You are starting to sound like a broken record with your doom-and-gloom story of how you are trapped. And yes, this situation has some paradoxical elements in it that you need to intelligently navigate your way out of.

Here's my challenge to you CeMar....
SuperDave is buying PM today. Start reading and let's see which one of you has "the epiphany" first. Tim knows what I'm talking about.