Separation imminent....

[Hermes]

Is keeping Love Alive by Liam. If it is, he has some good advice. But I had a bad experience with his phone session. He told me to D my W and move on. Hope that helps. I'm glad I didn't listen to him.

Nope it's a MWD 6 disc audio program that can be used alone or with your partner.

[Hermes]

Kaizen,

the ring is a symbol of the marriage and commitment to it (she still wears hers some days...some she doesn't...not trying to read too much into it... likely it's her way of easing into the D vs having different thoughts about it.

D means the end to me... the end of our commitment/vows/promises and the beginning of complete and total separation (save for anything about kids...). It means the death of my love for her... I will need to find a way to kill this off in me or I won't be able to move on... and she was and still is the woman that almost from the day I met her I wanted to spend the rest of my life with....but then life got in the way... and we each didn't know how to deal with it... (albeit my issues were more damaging to relationship than hers... but she had a role to play as well).

I'd like S to give me some breathing room to adjust to new job, new normal maybe continue to improve communications btw us b4 we start adversarial process of mediation which I really think is likely to get ugly quickly as we will have different agendas in it.
This is a lot like me asking her not to do D over Holidays for kids and to give me time to start really working on myself with Counselor (as I had a really crappy one from July - Sept; but have since found a very good one and that has helped a lot). I am in a better place personally now than I was in Sept... but things continue to deteriorate btw us...
She's pulling away more and more each week (almost like she has a 12 step detachment program she's putting into place; esp given some of the "broken record" sayings she pulls out when she starts to care or shows she's upset at my GAL... (really think IC or Friends are helping her along... or maybe even OM)).

[Hermes]

Any thoughts on this...
I had promised her I wouldn't do this as I've already hurt her enough and I know this would hurt her (and by proxy my chances as this would likely drive them closer together given that OM/WW had a firm plan on how they were doing things and OM has shown his commitment by already leaving at this point).

Know she'd get upset as she'd see this as me lying to her... but I never thought telling OM W could possibly have any positive effect on my sitch... until I saw a couple posts in Sandi2's 37 rules forum where another user gave his modifications for this with A... and suggested it was actually a necessary positive thing...
Thougths?

[Ginger1]

and again, he is is looking for the magic bullet.......

[TBSakaJ9]

H....Married Man's Sex Primer deals with a lot of Alpha/Beta behavior. You may want to check it out. It's a good read.

I will say this though...you have got to let her go. Stop the analyzing your MR is dead, there is nothing you can do to save it at this time and anything you try to do will push her away farther. she wants nothing from you.

Let her stay downstairs, let her move out. Or you could tell her that you have been doing some thinking and you have realized that you no longer want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You don't want to be with someone who is in an active A. That is not what you want in your life and you deserve better. That you think it is best if she took that apartment ASAP and we can talk about finances and the kids when the time comes.

You want to set her free? Let her know. It may help you start to get some respect back and is certainly Alpha behavior.

My W told me she wanted to leave and I told her to make it happen.

Just my opinion H.

[LH19]

How to be an Alpha Male without being a j@rk or A$$...

H,

You can't can't go from super beta to alpha male overnight. Again there are no quick fixes here. I have been working on myself for over three years and still am a work in process.

Right now you should start to think about your vision of what life after D will look like for you. What will make H happy in the future?

Start with the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnagie

BTW an Alpha Male isn't a jerk or an a$$. He is confident, centered and a leader and has a purpose in life. He treats his lady like a queen and expects to be treated like a king in return.

Baby steps H Baby steps.

[joejoe1]

Hermes,

You are trying to figure your whole Sitch in one day. It won't happen. You are going to have to slow down. You are trying to fix everything at once. You need to find something that will call you. You are in for a long ride. Work on yourself first.

You need to really stop worrying about your W. She isnt coming back anytime soon. It took many years to get your M to the point its in now and it will take time to get you W to see you in a different light.

A pastor once told me that my W has these pictures in her mind of me and they stuck up on her wall. I have to retake those pictures in her mind. Give her new pictures of you. With that be said, those pictures will only come when you let go and calm down and work on DBing. Theres no magic answer. Only hard work.

There are different point of views on here, you have to decide which one works best for your Sitch. You are going to have to try things and evaluate. That's why there's is no magic pill. Each WW is different and have their reasons for wanting out. You have to ID those reasons and 180 those behaviors. Dont them for her bit yourself. Usually the problems she ID's is something you would need to work on anyway so, doing 180s for yourself ends up giving your W new pictures of you in her rollerdex.

[Maika]

Hermes!!!!!

Slow it down!! Slow everything down.

This thread and the previous ones felt like a giant vortex where you were given stellar advice but you just kept running and running. You say you're acknowledging the great advice but then you keep posting about stuff that people have already give you great feedback on.

I know this is crazy hard. Your mind is going a million miles a second. You are trying to make sure every and any interaction with W is good and you're analyzing every single thing.

Just take a breath man! Just take a deep breath!

You have already quoted so much good advice given to you on the previous threads in this one. Just take some time to let it sink in.
Joseph just gave you one of the most important and undeniable facts about your sitch: your MR is DEAD!!! Dig that grave and put it in there and put a buncha flowers on top as the last vestige of hope that you will hide away in the corner of your heart in a small lock box.

Now, get back to DB basics.

I know everything is chaos and you are looking at every thing here to get a glimmer of some technique or some action that will do something to spark your W out of her state of mind.

Best thing you can do right now is understand the 37 guidelines and start implementing them.

Also, GAL GAL GAL!!! Where is the GAL? That is supremely important in the detachment process and taking all the focus off your W, and putting it back on you. Everything now is about YOU and kids, period.

I know how it feels to have your mind firing on all cylinders, but please take a step back and just breathe. Don't act on impulse or emotion. Right now, better do nothing than something.

[Hermes]

and again, he is is looking for the magic bullet.......

Ouch... and a somewhat fair assessment...
knew it was a fantasy at best...

and didn't thank you for telling me not to send that text the other day... I didn't.

I am also working on LRT to cut my losses...
She moved to Basement of own free will 2 nights back... she said very little last night... I was actually scarce on words didn't greet her when she got home, or ask about day or her after work activities. Only spoke when spoken to other than to say good night.
One thing that she did say last night is she doesn't know if/when she'll move back into bedroom... I said at the time I didn't push you out or force you to go down there (which in retrospect looked weak). She said she slept better... I actually did as well got first 2 good nights sleep in several months...

Think if/when it comes up again that I'm going to tell her I'd like her to stay down there.

Thinking of asking her to also take clothes and toiletries down there as well.

[LH19]

H,

She’s not coming back to the bedroom.