Separation imminent....

[Hermes]

Another thing I struggle with...

I've gotten some really great advice from sandi2 about how becoming a "Super Husband" won't work with WW.
and know Beta Male behavior is trying to cuddle with her, saying I'm sorry for saying things like "our marriage/vows obviously mean nothing to you" when I have nothing to be sorry about... this is basically a true statement given A.

I am working on improvements for me regardless so don't care that WW is suspicious or disregarding, we're telling family/kids just after holidays and she's leaving come Feb.

I need some more help with this as I've messed up things like Loving Detachment in past (SOB detachment vs. loving detachment; was too cold at first while detaching.. getting much better though).

How to be an Alpha Male without being a j@rk or A$$...

Know from things I've read an Alpha would have kicked her out of BR and told her to go sleep elsewhere...
(She's now sleeping downstairs as a result of more R/A talks that I stupidly initiated last weekend... and am redoubling efforts to not do again... (long story short.. she presented her vision of story we're going to tell parents/kids... needless to say I didn't agree and she went ballistic this is discussed in other threads. as a result of this I backslid and had one more round of R/A talk with her (as we'd never really talked about affair... she all but refused, and R talk... I got a lot of "closure" on the exact things she's still not forgiven me for... and how she'd leave EVEN IF there was no Affair... see other threads).

Can someone help me understand exactly how this works?

I know I have to respect myself... set boundaries for Myself, be balanced, lovingly detach etc...
and I know that GALing and doing my own thing play into this... (I feel much better when I do GAL multiple times/week.)
Also know to avoid Beta behavior (following her around, asking how she is, waiting on her hand and foot... but that it is OK to among other things, offer to make the same thing for her to eat if I'm doing it for myself.

I also know that this isn't about a "magic bullet" that suddenly she'll think, wow he deserves respect... I need to get me some of that (dumping OM).
I get that she's gone and I'm working hard to make this my new cemented reality.

I still need to figure this out for myself so that IF/WHEN I ever get into another relationship... the minute I discover A/I I never tolerate this again, not for a second (no idea if things would have gone differently if, when I discovered A this Summer, I just told her to leave and I didn't want to see her again unless the A stopped and then it might be a possibility. (but no way to go back in time... if I could I'd go even further back to kick my younger self's a$$ for being such an A$$). BUT I think I might have moved ahead much faster and in more productive ways if I hadn't been so beaten down (depression, etc.) leading into the BD.

Help/Thoughts/Advice?