Know I have to work on Balance... and am re reading MWD books and listening to LRT Video at least 1x/week now to re-inforce what I need to do and how to do it in a kind/loving way that takes pressure off...
My issue is how to deal with the feelings that I have... Intense Loss, Regret, Loneliness, Emotional Pain, etc. that each step we take closer to actual D brings... these come in waves... most recently when she sent the Script she wants to use to tell family/kids... (this led to severe loss of ground through A and M talk... but did finally fill in some of the gaps as we've NEVER discussed the anger she has about things, nor how she feels about leaving/D... though the damage done by this pushed her to sleep in spare BR... from which she hasn't returned (which isn't a bad thing as I don't miss her as much when I don't have her in front of me in a look but don't touch capacity at bedtime and I've gotten several solid nights of sleep vs. waking up at 4 or 5 in morning and not being able to sleep anymore)... so I'm considering asking her to stay down there permanently (Note: she still comes upstairs to get ready/clothes).
I am resolute in remaining faithful (as regardless of her lack of morals/care for wedding vows) I believe in my heart it would be wrong for me to do the same until at least after D...
But it's getting harder each day/week as (among other things) my Primary Love Language is Physical Touch and I have 0 of that coming from her... and there is no one else... I know how to "take care of myself" physically... but that leaves a complete hole emotionally that grows by the day. GAL helps with that... but when I GAL so hard that I don't think of it.. I end up staying away almost 24x7 on the weekends which isn't healthy... Even when going out with friends... I look around and see couples EVERYWHERE... and that just makes the hurt worse...
I know after D I also likely won't be in a good place to start a new Relationship... but am worried by then I'll be ready to jump at the first Female that shows interest in me as the Emotional hole will be so deep and wide by that point that anything will feel good...
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
