Know I've talked about this b4 and thank you for all the advice... this is still evolving. Note: previous advice ranged the gamut between tell P @ A.. tell older kids like S16 @mom leaving me for someone else (no other details though about specifics). to telling P about it... saying more generic, Because of things that have happened on both our sides, this is something she wants and I do not, but it takes two for marriage to work, so we are getting a divorce.
Know that there's only a TINY change of R at any point in future... and if/when we get there I'll likely be in such a different place that A) she won't tell me even if she wants it and B) Even if she wants us to consider, I may well have moved on to a place where I don't want any more pain from prior relationship in my life ever again. (I know we have problems and that We have a lot of conflict... willing to work through it now... not so sure 6 months 1 year 2 years down the road). But for now I'm concerned with not destroying road back to me irreparably...
Recap: WW wants vanilla statements like: we are getting divorced. We are private people... and as such this is a private matter. Please respect our privacy
for both Family and kids.
She has good points: We've not asked for approval in past, shared difficult details with them, etc., this would burden them and what good would telling them do?
My Side: I'm ok with letting my P know all of my sins and part in this, as well as her role in this (and I promise to be balanced and fair...
She is deathly afraid that A will get out... I was saying we can tell your P whatever you want. I won't lie, so if they ask about Infidelity or what caused this at best I'd remain silent... she admitted she would lie to them about A as this would hurt them and it's not the reason she's leaving. She's admitted she's strong enough and prepared to do this even though she knows the damage it will cause whether or not the A is there. She also recently admitted that she knows exactly what A could cost her and all the "sin" etc. and says she's sorry that it hurts me and asked for me to someday forgive... (which seems unbelievable to me right now [forgiving her] as A is not going anywhere and she's not sorry she did it). She also admits that she did this in the wrong order (A then D)... and wishes it hadn't happened that way.
Know I could probably use this in some way... but also know that this is A) wrong B) would be something I regretted forever C) ultimately not get her back and would make things worse btw us.
with my P: asked to go tell them alone and told her I planned to give them a fair accurate accounting and not throw her under the bus... she asked about A... I said yes that's part of it... She accused me of blackmail etc. as my Mother isn't particularly adept at keeping secrets (I had thought that through and planned to let her know that If she told others about it... It would irreparably harm my and her grandchildren's relationship with her)... W says that she would tell everyone and she'd be ruined just as if I did it to her... then went on to say she knew I was lying when I told her several months back that I had no intention of telling the world @ it. and how no one would care about any of the things I did to her when they found out @ affair... because that is the most "important" thing in most people's eyes...
I thought it through and said she may have some merit in her thoughts around what we tell my P and how that could be punative, and that I'm still thinking about it... (Still not going with her whitewashed V. of reality...)
Was at: we've had a lot of problems for some time. Because of those problems W has decided to leave. Which she says makes her out to be the bad guy. with kids and family and invites questions that we'd need to "discuss in advance how to answer"
Essentially she says in addition to what normal advice is for kids... it's important not to lie to them about "united front" in divorce if this Isn't the case.
Instead say something like: Your mom and I have been fighting a lot, we've been disagreeing on many, many, different things including what should happen to the future of our marriage. This is no different, we really do disagree about this, but since it takes 2 people to work at a marriage and to make it work, we are going to separate/Divorce.
AND HERE FILL IN CONVENTIONAL Advice Love you not your fault… Let them know what will/will not change.
MWD acknowledges that this is tricky because you need to not start blame/counter blame explanations.
MWD also says that this is important b/c we've always preached about perseverance and working through difficult things in life (hard work/dedication) and now lying to them that marriage is too tough so we're both throwing in towel (which just saying we're getting Divorced is IMHO a version of) WILL cause problems down the road with kids If they don't already sense difference in how we feel about D... they will in time... and then know that we lied...feel misguided and betrayed... and this is a REALLY bad example to set for the Children...
But not sure how to then avoid who did what to whom in front of kids... as they will want to know which one of us wanted in and which wanted out... I'm ok Mom's the one that had decided to move out. (But with the understanding UP FRONT that NEITHER of us throws the other one Under the bus with kids now or in future... (know this leaves A off the table as well).
With P. still working through this one... still thinking about more balanced... Because of things that have happened on both our sides, this is something she wants and I do not, but it takes two for marriage to work, so we are getting a divorce.
(Note: she's also now mad that I now say that I'm not "solely" responsible for breakdown of M (i.e. prior to A)... I still believe I have a larger share in this as she did try going down cheeseless tunnels for many years as M slid further and further until Depression set in and it got ALOT worse leading up to A and then BD (A started well b4 BD but I didn't find out until several months post BD). She takes this as more of the same behavior from past (where I externalized blame for things).
Thoughts b4 sharing with WW? (I know I will still get blowback and at some point I'm sticking with a certain version of reality regardless...
P.S. I do know I can always go back and say things later (post D)... But if I do, I feel like I need to be fair/balanced... Not just she left for another man... but also my contribution towards Marital breakdown at a really high level. If/When this happens... mentioning OM name at that time OK? or crossing a line?
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
