I am not snooping on her, but have "spot checked" her a couple of times based largely on Sandi2s suggestions. Call it "intel gathering" or "research" as I think that that is more apt.
You're snooping on her. Quit trying to blow smoke up my butt, I've been around here long enough to know what snooping is If you think it's helping you in some way than carry on, but it almost always does more harm than good. If you find something then you'll be upset. If you don't find something then you worry that she's gone even deeper and you need to snoop deeper. It's a no-win situation.
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That is not what happened, however. I took her back, she committed to ending things with OM (which she has apparently upheld), and we committed to working with the MC. She is still doing those things. Not sure I could jettison her now without looking like a two-faced jerk, undoing the good progress that we have made so far (we weren't even friends 6 or 7 months ago) and permanently poisoning the waters.
I wasn't suggesting that you "jettison" her, I was just saying you need to go back to DB'ing basics. Get out. Get a life. Work on yourself. We should all do that even in a healthy marriage! We put too much pressure on our spouse to "complete" us (oh how my MC hated that line from that movie) when we should be establishing ourselves as independent people that bring our spouse along on our life adventure rather than building our life around our spouse. You are trying TOO HARD. Back off and give her space. She's not sure if she likes you right now, and the more you smother her with attention then the worse that will get.
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Insisting on sex "Right damned now" just doesn't make sense in the current state of affairs. Moving deliberately towards that is what, apparently, I am committed to now. Problem is I don't see that being successful as long as W is in fantasy land
Forget sex, she won't even kiss you! Like the others said, your rationalization hamster is running in that wheel, running running running. You are allowing yourself to stew in an unacceptable position because you've convinced yourself that you put yourself there and that it's not so bad after all. You reach in for a kiss and she rejects you? That is unacceptable. Do you get it? UNACCEPTABLE. Get out. Get a life. Leave her alone. Let her pursue you, and if and when she does, establish some rules in reconciling. Kissing, fondling, sex, those things and everything else you expect in a relationship.
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and I have moved OUT of the realm of distancing/going-dark/after-the-last-resort-technique. Perhaps I should not have so moved but... the fact of the matter is that I did. Going back to that right now not really an option.
Sure it is. I've been dating my GF 3 years now. If she starts acting up then guess what I do? Get out. Get a life. Go dark on her. Quit pursuing. Sound familiar? And guess what she does, she goes into full-scale pursuit. Brother when are you going to start thinking like a man- YOU ARE THE PRIZE, NOT HER.
If you think it's helping you in some way than carry on, but it almost always does more harm than good. If you find something then you'll be upset. If you don't find something then you worry that she's gone even deeper and you need to snoop deeper. It's a no-win situation.