Separation imminent....

[Hermes]

Pretty much all of us did all the wrong things before finding DB. You are not a failure at all, we all stumble around until we find our footing, that's a normal part of the process!

I've been DB'ing for over 5 years, it's a continuous learning process that everyone should embrace and continue even if their M ends (as mine did). It's a journey rather than a destination

S can be a good thing for DB'ing. Often the WAS feels the pressure lifted once S happens. Another thing that happens is the time and space sometimes helps the WAS realize the LBS is not the source of all their problems like they've been thinking. That can lead to soul-searching and growth on their part. It doesn't happen right away, but over time it can radically change the WAS's perspective.

The problem with DB is that there are stages and believe me, if you think its hard now , truth is you are still falling. Even if she leaves the OM and comes back to you and you do take her in which I think you will without a fight, you have a long way to go before getting to the stage called piecing which is hell. And in piecing you can still blow it plus the pressure is now back on you.

Right now the pressure is on the OM to not mess it up. If I were you I would take this time to work on myself.

Something else to consider, if you do finally work on yourself and be the 2.0 you may come across an unexpected surprise. You may find that the person you would die for now no longer makes you tingle in the fizzy bits. You may find that you attract a different kind of woman and are attracted to a different kind of woman. You may find that the new woman offers you much more than your EXW did.

Lives are affected when a family is torn apart. Your children's lives will be affected, and they deserve to know the truth. Don't play along with your WW and lie to the kids about it being a mutual decision. They deserve to know that daddy did not want to break up the family.

There was a DB member here awhile back that gave his personal experience of how he had always blamed his father for divorcing his mother. It was during the time he was posting on the board about his own M problems, that his father finally told him the truth about his mother's infidelity. All those years he had refused to have a R with his father, b/c he had not been told what really happened......and was left to believe whatever his mother told him. With his father choosing not to expose the truth, he lost the relationship with his young son. That story was an eye opener for me.

You and your W should face the kids together to give them the news, or she will not be honest with them. I am not in favor of lying to kids. At the same time, I don't suggest dishing out the dirty details. Age appropriate must be considered when revealing the news to D.

I would not say, "Your mother and I have decided"........ as if you are taking equal responsibility for the decision to divorce instead of her doing the right thing and end her affair. Some older teenage kids may be old enough to be told that their mother has met someone else and she wants out of the M. Each LBS has to use wisdom about how to approach this subject. Some kids are not old enough to hear that about their mother, especially when having "the D talk". All talks must be age appropriate information. Hearing the news to D, is devasting enough for them. Futher information about the reason to D, may need to be in increments, especially for young children. The only thing you've really agreed upon was to grant her a divorce. However, don't be surprised when your W resists telling them the truth, b/c most WW's want to be seen as "justified" to their children and everyone else.

It's not your job to destroy, or save, the relationship between your kids and their mother. It is your job to be honest with them. You are not trying to get them to take sides. Older teenagers will not appreciate being told some generic explanation for why their parents are splitting up the family. I feel some things between a man and his W should remain private. However, when it comes to why they got a divorce, older kids deserve to know the truth behind the D (at least, the basics). A lot of people grow up without knowing the true reason behind their parents divorce.

The parents deserve to know the truth behind the D. It's not your job to convince her parents, but if the D goes through......you could inform them. Your WW is going to give her own version anyway, so it really does not serve you well......other than knowing they were given the truth. Again, no dirty details, just keep it short and basic. It's up to them to deal with the relationship with their daughter.

I decided one day I was going to bring nothing but positivity in my home. I didn't care what her mood was, I wasn't going to let her mood affect minds.(this was hard as hell, and still is). I continued to stay positive, I smiled and laugh and only fed the good wolf. I also gave her space and GALed. But every time I was around her, I never let her see me in a down mood. I worked hard to not react to any of her snippy remarks and stayed above the petty arguments.

(This is for you) Sandi, is great at explaining this, you will never get your W back unless she respects you. My wife have told me multiple times now, she loss all respect for me. And would of never allowed herself to be with OM if she had respect for me. She also informed me that the only way she start to think about working on the M was because she saw me respecting her and she now wants(wants to respect me). (Respect is more important than love. Without respect, love cannot flourish) (I learned to respect myself and take pride in myself). I also, didnt ever bring up OM, I didn't give him, space or power in my head or home. I only focused on me. I also didn't tolerate her talking to him in our home. I made myself the only option to her for me, in my home. If she wanted to be with him she had to leave, (she didnt have to legally, but I made it known, I wanted her gone).

I also made D and option. I ran every scenario in my head. I was scared to follow through on getting a D, but I knew if it had to be done, then so be it. I would muster up the strength and take action. I decided I want let no one disrespect me. (This is a hard decision as well). But once I got this place, I felt more confident and I EVer better. This is my experience.