Jim, thanks for your input. My hopes are not up because my husband already left once and didn't express interest in fixing the marriage when he returned. There's not much more I can do to make someone want to be a husband or father if they have no interest, or if it's just a burden holding them back from everything they want to do. On the other hand, I want to be sure I did everything possible on my end to save the marriage since the best possible outcome would be to reconcile and give our daughter a family with a mom and dad. If there's any chance he might want that, I'll try to give him another few weeks or months to come back.
KML, I tried a limited of what you suggested last week. I wore something nice than usual and some makeup and acted happy when I left the house. Even though I only went grocery shopping I tried to present a slightly different image. Now I'm double sick with what I already had and a bad cold so it might take a few days to try again, but I will. I've also made plans almost every day with my daughter and when my husband does call or text about something he's seen that we're out, busy, and enjoying our time. I don't think he cares or notices so this will probably only benefit my daughter and I.
PsySara, I ended up not suggesting counseling as you said. It is working out better having my husband come here, so we'll keep doing that for now. I'm trying to do the same as you - not show any sign of an agenda. I'll do this for a few weeks, maybe another two months, but I can't wait much longer than that. This has been going on for years and I need to start working again and trying to rebuild my life. I never imagined I'd stop working for even one year. There's the consulting business I started but I haven't been able to grow it here in this city and no longer see a future in this city. My situation may be different than yours because my husband immigrated here and I supported him for many years. Now that he's the supporter maybe this is his real self, it's hard to say. Maybe he just used me and now my daughter and I are just an annoyance that he's trying to get rid of.
All, I really wish there was more data on the long-term outcome of marriages fixed by DB methods. Yes, many of us do save our marriages in the short-term, but how many of us stay together until the end of our lives? Yes, it depends on many factors, but some people have major character flaws like cheating, addiction, etc.. or shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Some of the spouses here have done really bad things. I'm among those who still wish to reconcile, even after those bad things, but my husband already left once, came back after I did a good job of practicing DB techniques like the 180, but now he's gone again.
The counselors and psychologist I've been seeing, and some of my friends, think it may be years before my husband decides what he wants in life. For now he's too preoccupied with his own interests to care about anyone else.
I'd be happy if he wakes up sometime in the next few months and wants to fix everything, but realistically I doubt it will happen. I guess we're one example of an initial DB success story but either I'm to blame for my husband not wanting to stay or he never wanted to re-commit and was just using the convenience of the marriage until he had a better option.
I don't know....I will keep trying a bit longer but feel really sad that it may still not be enough.
