You've got to walk a fine line here, you want to give your W time and space but at the same time you don't want to seem cold, indifferent or unloving. The key is to LOVINGLY detach.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
you have responses to this on your last thread. I am going to give you a blueprint in how to lovingly detach. Please read it carefully b/c it will help you understand that detaching is not all about physically pulling away, as it is more about your attitude and the way you think and make decisions.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures. _________________________ It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Originally Posted By: joejoe1
I'm glad you didnt take the bait and play the game your W is playing. Don't turn your kids against their mom. All you have to do is be honest with your kids with what your are doing. Take them with you sometimes. Make some of your GAL about them too. Its a good time to grow your bond stronger with your kids.
You W is starting to see you pull away. She is only going to get madder and more manipulative. She is going to try and use every trick in the book and when she see you are not reacting to her tricks she will play the victim card not only to you, but also to friends and family. Be prepared.
She will not be herself. I would go on that [GAL]. She is getting curious. Keep it going. Dont let up. Next shes going to say something like, "it seems to me you dont want to be married no more". She will reference divorce to see if it scares you back under her spell. Dont fall for it. You tell her, "you are for the Marriage and now your are starting to enjoy your life again. It has been an amazing few days." Then walk off. Don't let her trap you in a drawn out conversation.
Originally Posted By: joejoe1
You are ok. We have all been where you are except Sandi. She was WW before, so her advice is directly from the perspective of a WW.
We have all been hit upside the head with 2x4 by Sandi.
Learn as you go. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to question some of the advice, then you will question yourself. Most of us have made the exact same mistakes as you. We are giving you advice, so you don't do what we did wrong.
I was running around like a chicken when I got hit with BD. I was looking for that magic answer as well. There is none. There is only time, patience, and Hard work.
You wont be able to talk, write an email, text message or buy hundreds of presents to get out of this mess.
Gaining respect for yourself is a end goal. Making yourself better by identifying, self reflecting and then fixing those areas that destroyed your marriage is a goal. Making yourself a person only a fool would leave is a goal. Becoming independent of your W is a goal.
Those are 4 goals that will make your healthier and stronger. Realize I never mentioned getting your W back. She has to want to come back on her own. But, not until you have reached all those goals, will she want to come back, not until you have reached all those goals, you Will be in a place to except her back. Realized, I said you EXCEPT her back.
Those 4 goals are you worrying about you and no one else. Let go of any expectations you are holding for your M and your W.
