Chapter 11 of PM is titled "Two Choice Dilemmas and Normal Marital Sadism". Now that sounds like a very clinical thing, but what it comes down to is that in marriage, as nowhere else, we always face a choice between what we want and what we're afraid to lose. We'd always like more choices, but in any given dilemma, we're faced with chosing one thing over another. This is an uncomfortable situation, so many of us work very hard to avoid making a choice. We want to go around the roadblock instead of through it. The trouble is, by going around it, we avoid dealing with the underlying issue, which sets us up for further disappointment down the road, because we'll eventually end up facing that same issue again (and again, and again, until we DEAL with it). I recognize this pattern in myself - I have spent YEARS trying to avoid choosing between having sex with my wife (which would mean standing up for myself and pressing the issue) and living a "peaceful" but painful and empty existence. My avoidance of this issue takes the form of refusing to identify it for what it is. I've been afraid to face the possibility that having the kind of sex life I want with my wife may not be possible, if it's not what SHE wants. I've also been afraid to face what the alternative might turn out to be. So I've tended to take what she says about the subject at face value, because if I can believe that she truly IS too (busy, preoccupied, pressured, etc.), then the "problem" really doesn't have much to do with either of us... it's just circumstances. Refusing to face the ACTUAL issue allows me to float along, letting things slide, waiting for "that day" when things are finally better - it lets me avoid making a choice.
It also lets me avoid facing up to some things about myself I find unpleasant. What I've begun to realize, is that I have a history of not getting what I want, and of not standing up for myself, and this goes back to my family of origin (my childhood). No, I'm not "blaming my parents", I'm finally beginning to challenge myself to grow up.
The "Normal Marital Sadism" part of this chapter deals with the sadistic (and masochistic) roles that are played out from time to time (or in some cases continuously) in ALL families (NOT just "sick" ones). The word "Normal" here is used because the American Academy of Psychiatry some time ago considered adding a definition for sadism that would have included the things we all do to f*ck with each other, but pulled back from that, with the result that these kinds of behaviors are NOT considered "pathological" when they are played out within the concept of a "normal" family. These behaviors aren't always extreme, but if we're honest with ourselves, we're ALL guilty, at least some of the time. The case mentioned in the book was a rather extreme example, and fairly clearly defined, so it's easy to see why it was used... it clearly illustrates the point. But these things are usually far more subtle.
What really hit me about this chapter, though (and why it is of PARTICULAR interest to CeMar) is that this wife literally said what CeMar's W has said to him - she didn't care if she NEVER had sex again. It's a LONG story, but the bottom line is that she was LYING - she DID like it, and she DID want it, but for various reasons she felt compelled to hide that fact and "play a role". I'm not saying that the underlying reasons are even close to the same in CeMar's case (or in mine, or yours), but the end result fills me with a LOT of hope. Because even though this case was very EXTREME, they ended up doing the work, and they ended up with a HOT sex life together. If they can do it, WE can do it.
I have not yet integrated everything I've learned, so some of the above is probably not expressed very well, but I thought this might be an interesting addition to the discussion, and might further explain why I'm so fired up about this book...
