So we taught the class together today (also D4 was there, she likes to help!)and things seem to go good. We acted basically "normal". Afterwards, D4 was hungry so the 3 of us went out for lunch. We had good conversation, again nothing too deep but we did talk some about her school and whats going to happen in January when she quits work to go to school full time. She also talked about her desire to become a flight nurse, which was nice to hear her setting some goals.
She also said "grandpa invited us to dinner next Saturday" (meaning her dad). So I said "us as in me too?" to which she replied "yes all of us". So it looks like she's made plans for all of us to go to dinner next weekend.
Overall it seemed like a very positive day, but I'm still not trying to read too much into it and take things one day at a time. I made sure to not start any R talk and nothing like that came up.
What do ya'll think? An outside perspective always helps!
ME44, W30 D17, S15 (mine from previous) D4 T:10, M:6
So her dad texted me today to see how I was doing. He asked how we were and seemed surprised that she wasn't back at home yet. He also mentioned dinner Saturday.
ME44, W30 D17, S15 (mine from previous) D4 T:10, M:6
Go to dinner if you want to go to dinner.....just don't pursue or talk about your R. Be happy, energetic and confident.
You can't stop her dad from calling you but I would not engage him with any in-depth conversations on how your are feeling, what your plans are or ask him questions about his D. In the end blood is thicker than water.
Thanks Joseph. I just read your latest stuff and would love to hear what you're doing when she starts acting nice and engaging more, but no serious talk. That's kind of where I'm at and it's hard to keep playing it cool sometimes.
ME44, W30 D17, S15 (mine from previous) D4 T:10, M:6
Joseph's giving you some good advice. All the signs you are seeing are great, but like Joseph said, don't have any expectations. It's not unusual for a WAS to start acting nice when you start taking the pressure off. Early on they think they have to be mean to get you to "understand" that they are done. If you start pulling back and giving them time and space then sometimes they think "OK he finally gets it, I don't have to keep being mean anymore." But the fact that she's being nice does NOT mean she's ready to reconcile. Not at all. If she ever gets to that point she will let you know in a very clear way. Don't fall into the trap of assuming she's changed her mind and is just waiting for you to ask her about it, that's what we call a temperature check and it never goes like the WAS hopes. And it can make things worse, because a temperature check is pressure.
What I generally try to do is follow her lead, if she brings up something or asks a question, etc. I will answer and discuss but I am generally not the one initiating the conversation. I don't do it all the time but I try really hard. I usually just play off of her lead sort of like a dance. With that said most of our interaction are with other people around so when I am talking to other Dad's for example I am always upbeat, happy and joking around. No matter how what her mood is I don't let it impact me. For example, at our D's soccer game on Friday night she seemed to be a little off. I have no clue what was going on but I still stood there and chatted with another Dad and joked, laughed, etc. Her bad mood or whatever was not going to impact mine. The next day she was more engaging so we had some conversations back and forth, especially when our D scored a couple of goals. She was also joking about another parent and asked me a couple of questions about our youngest. Just know that these conversation are not about our R or D, etc. they are very general in nature.
You just have to play it cool, have no expectations and don't read into her niceness. My w and I had no R or D conversations until she brought it up out of blue a month ago via text message. She never responded and hasn't brought it up since. so in a 6 month period the D word has come up twice since she moved out. The first time was 1 month after she left as I was struggling and did a temp check. The next time was 5 months later out of the blue with no acknowledgment or follow up of any kind on her part. But no conversations of us, recon and working on the MR. I just continue to play it cool and be patient.
I hope that helps. What you can't do is start to pursue her when she is being nice. She could be testing you to see if you will take the bait. I refer back to this quote when I am struggling:
The people on this site who try the hardest are the ones who have the least success. The harder they try the more they get rejected. Those who let go the fastest, heal the quickest and also are the ones who maximize their chances of getting the wayward back. It is only when you let go that you have your best chance.
CB, I think it is a huge mistake for you to obligate yourself to financially support her through nursing school, when she is telling you she wants a divorce!
You may think agreeing to support her will help win her back, but it won't. It doesn't matter that that was the plans (nursing school) in the past. That was before she wanted to D you. I promise you that she will use you, get every dime out of you, benefit herself and ensure her future financial security........without ever looking back or feeling indebted to you,..........and she'll still D you. The fact that she has the b@lls to expect you to support her schooling after she tells you she wants to D you.........tells me she is used to telling you how things will go, and you usually do as she says.
You cannot make decisions as though you were still living together.
IDK about her new female friend being an EA. Has she ever hinted at being sexually interested in females? If not, then I would not classify it as an A yet. OTOH, female friends can have tremendous influence on each other. Not to change their sexual preferences, but on other areas in their life. Many women have D their H, b/c they were influenced by another woman to believe a lie. That lie usually has something to do about the grass being greener as a single woman.
Unless there was some terrible unresolved issue at a very young age.......I would not jump on the MLC horse just yet. 30 is pretty young, and there are other things that could account for her sudden desire to get a D.
Can you tell us more about the marital history? Can you describe the dynamics in your relationship?
What are you doing to GAL?
Have you read the 37 rules, and are you applying them? Any questions about them?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
