We've been talking a bit more, mostly about our son, but sometimes about other stuff. Yesterday was the anniversary of the death of a very close family member of her's, and I know it's a hard day emotionally for her, so I sent her a small bouquet of her favorite flowers, with a card from our son. She thanked me and sent me (without me asking for it) a picture of herself with the flowers. Seeing as it is the first picture of herself she's sent me in 6 months, that was surprising.
No change otherwise, but I think that she's starting to trust that my attitude change is permanent, and not temporary.
I had an interesting conversation with my wife last night. We haven't talked (outside of talking about our son) in weeks, and last night she messaged me and started talking about how she would like to be move civil with me, apologized for some of the harsh and nasty things she had said in the past, and then asked if I would video chat with her (just me, not to talk to our son). I was busy at the moment but we scheduled a time a few hours later.
That's a really big baby step!! Keep in mind that recon doesn't happen in one big move, it happens in a lot of little moves. So this is a great first step. Brush up on validation (read the validation sticky) and practice being a great listener/ validator.
Quote:
and that she feels she has matured
Yeah, well I imagine she still has a LONG way to go on that front.
Quote:
She doesn't want to get back together with me, she just wants the ability to have a civil divorce and to see our son again.
That's how she feels NOW, but that could change.
Quote:
we didn't come to any resolutions, it was mostly me listening and her talking.
That's perfect. You shouldn't be trying to resolve anything, just listen and validate.
But we have both agreed to be civil, so that's good progress on that front at least.
Quote:
As for her seeing him, I don't know how it is going to work, he can't go see her as she doesn't have a job or the ability to support him at all, and she can't really come to Colorado for the same reason (I can't afford to pay for her to visit)
That is her problem, and remember, you are not around to fix her problems. If she gripes about that or any other problem, just listen and validate. Don't try to fix it for her, she doesn't want you to.
Thank you for the encouragement. We've had a few conversations since that first one, all very positive, if I sense that it is going to lead to territory that won't be productive I drop it or validate her feelings and move on. I do think she's slowly warming back up to me. I'm not expecting recon at anytime, and if it was an option I know what I want in a relationship better than I did before (we were each other's first real relationship, so lots of immaturity in the laying of the foundations) and she will have to make changes as well as me before we could recon.
As it is, I'm seeing signs that maybe my best friend is still in there. Not many, and she still disappears for days when I won't hear from her, but overall it's better than it was a month ago.
Well, I've filed for Divorce. I'm in my own apartment, with my son, his mom has still not gotten a job or wanted to visit him, and is still living in a relationship with her uncle, who's wife left him for obvious reasons.
I did. I've actually gotten into a pretty good place, gone on a few dates in fact! I've gotten some counseling, I think that I've started to really be able to move on.
Moving into my own place was a great step forward as well. Now I imagine there will be some rough times and drama ahead, especially with custody, but filing was a big step towards just reclaiming my life.
