Maybell 41: The Saga Continues

[Maybell]

I had my conversation with Mr. Fantastic. He’s lost a TON of weight and didn’t have it to lose in the first place. His face looks like Skeletor. (Remember him??)

He wants to quit his job and I think the changing of the schedule is a precursor to asking to readdress the support question. I said if he really was sincere about wanting to be more of a parent that I would be more willing to entertain a change if he started participating in the kids’ lives a little more, like responding to teacher emails from time to time, or addressing their issues with ideas of his own rather than just rubber stamping everything I say. A few weeks ago S11 brought home a HORRENDOUS report card and before showing it to me he showed it to his dad, who just said, “I’m going to let Mom deal with this.” Similarly, S9 got into trouble at school not too long ago and when I reported it to Mr. Fantastic he just said “I’ll go along with whatever you decide to do on that.” (Note that my boys are not struggling... they’re just going through some fairly normal childhood challenges. They still need a Dad with an opinion, though.)

Well Mr. Fantastic didn’t like the idea of my setting conditions to the conversation and said he didn’t think it was appropriate that he should have to ask me permission to spend time with his own kids, etc. I raised the question of his travel and he said that if there was ever a time when he had to travel that I wasn’t willing or able to take the kids, that he’d just leave them with his girlfriend. The one who lost her son 10 weeks ago. Honestly, I don’t know how she still gets up in the morning but she seems to be carrying on fairly normally.

He’s been taking my D14 out and sharing all his life concerns, etc., with her, and she has started calling him by his first name. As though they’re peers. She seems flattered at all the attention he’s giving her. He’s neglecting the boys a lot, by my standards... several times has invited her out to go on day-long hikes with him (on my weekends), but leaves the boys behind.

The reason I’m posting about all this, though, is that my reaction to spending an hour one-on-one with him was HORRIBLE. I despise him but my day-to-day is calm and generally happy. Being around him made me FURIOUS. Volcanically furious. Every unresolved thing, you know all the lies and decisions that he made to devalue and discard me, all erupted into HOW DARE YOU and how dare you ask me to surrender one minute with my children to someone like you. It was awful and made me wonder if I shouldn’t get a therapist of my own. I can’t be around him again for a long, long time. I was surprised at it and at my gigantic flaming desire to out him to every single person who knows him. That is not in my interest but it infuriates me that he should get away with having treated me and the kids as he did, and then expect that I would not be angry with him. He even had the audacity to tell me that I should leave the anger and bitterness behind because I’d be happier.

I’d be happier punching his face in.

That’s not a very meh place to be and I’d prefer to be meh about him. But he’s threatening the part of my life is that is most precious to me and I’m not going to be meh about that, as much as I’d like.

Sorry for the rambling. But if someone can please tell me how to wipe him off the bottom of my shoe and carry on with my zen intact, I’d appreciate it.