MLC or WAS... either way, I'm here

[LAJar]

Update: Thankfully life has been very busy and I haven't been able to get to the boards in a while or wallow in my misery... as much. It's been over a month since I have looked at his FB page (small wins), which is the only way I have a clue into his life, but also a huge source of hurt for me. That has helped immensely. Pretending he doesn't exist and just moving forward gets me through the day. I survived Thanksgiving pretty well, only 1 short cry that day, but overall I enjoyed myself. However, the unfortunate part of pretending he doesn't exist is that I feel I'm not dealing with things. Also that's because nothing is actually happening. I'm still 5 months out with the divorce filed but I haven't been served. I'm still not there yet either. I am not at the point where I'm ready to make the move to file either.

This past weekend I decided to get out of the house, run some errands and do some Xmas shopping. I had also thought about going to church as well, since it's been awhile. As I was finishing up at one store, my SIL texted to invite me over to celebrate her husband's birthday. I was in the neighborhood and would stop by when I was done. I haven't seen anyone from that side, other than SIL and her husband, since BD and that included FIL. I get to her house & realize there were more people there than I anticipated and was feeling a little awkward. I knocked and no one heard, so I walk in and first enountered FIL. He greeted me with a hello and I hugged him, but could tell he didn't recognize me (his dementia). That saddened me. SIL greeted me warmly and went to show me her new step-grandaughter. Apparently, I was a surprise and she hadn't told anyone I was coming. It wasn't a big gathering but you know the first time you encounter people who have heard about your situation, it's uncomfortable. As I was looking at the baby, my SIL leaned over to tell me one of H's friends was there. I caught my breath and told her I didn't think it was a good idea I was there. She said, no, he's very mad at H. Surprising, because this was the same friend I reached out to when H left, said he was out of town and would call when he returned and never did. And when H acknowledge my text to his friend, H said friend said he had told me in the past our lack of intimacy was an issue, I never fixed it, so what did I expect (paraphrasing). I walked outside and boy was friend surprised. Friend's gf whom I had met once, hugged me and said she was so glad to see me and then friend proceeded to spill it on H and OW. They have met her. Friend's gf said she's a leech, she's clinging to H for dear life because she has nothing. She's a single mother and only works part-time. I knew this already and am also a single parent and unless you're independently wealthy, you're getting your $ from somewhere if it isn't a job. She has an ex who was supporting her and decided to stop once H came into her life. Told her to leave the apartment he was paying for, took the car back that he paid, any bills in his name were removed. H decided he needed to save her and find her (and him) a place to live, so he asked friend to allow them to stay in his converted garage until they could get an apt. Friend said they stayed 2 months and promised rent. H was late or would avoid him when he didn't have the $. Friend's gf said they/she never left the room. They would invite them to watch baseball (H loves), sit in the back & have a drink, and because she wouldn't, he wouldn't. H has always been a pot smoker, not something that interested me, but OW is right on board with that. Friend said they probably do it right in front of OW's daughter because there was nowhere else to do it when they lived in that room. They ended up staying w/ friend longer than a couple of weeks because neither could get approval for a new apt. Friend said they could tell OW has $ in her eyes. H comes from a good family and my FIL has a beautiful house, H has a well-paying, stable job. She sees the potential.

When friend recounted what H had told him about our R, he of course rewrote history. Said it had been 3 years since we had sex! Made it seem like he asked all the time and I denied him. Said we went to counseling for it and it didn't work. None of this is true and it's sad and disgusting that he's using this as his main excuse to others. Friend even said, if it was true, what kind of husband leaves their wife just for that?! SIL also admitted that H has been asking FIL for $ to pay our mortgage and to repair his car. I wondered how he was surviving paying our mortgage, rent and other life expenses. H also told friend he's been trying to serve me, but he's been unsuccessful because I'm "hiding". Imagine that?! I was probably locked away in my house for 3 months, only leaving to go to work and the gym after work or run errands. I was home at least 75% of the time outside of work. He could have done service by mail. Such BS.

I was happy to correct some of those blatant lies. I felt some relief when they confirmed my suspicions about OW. With that being said, I couldn't help but feel sad for where he is at in life. I don't claim to be an angel and definitely enjoy life, like to have fun, but I try to make good life choices and be an example of a strong woman for my son. Friend said H just wants the party lifestyle and OW doesn't stop him or also participates. I agree somewhat, but believe it's a bit deeper than that. I believe H has always felt like he wasn't living up to FIL's expectations, running around and getting into trouble as a teenager, not wanting to go to college. Finally in his mid to late-twenties, he got a stable job and became more consistent. In his early-thirties, met me. SIL says I was the opposite of many of his ex's and MIL was happy. I was "normal" and stable, but I wasn't the same kind of "fun" the other's were. I'm not saying H was trying to have that same kind of fun, but for instance, when I wanted us to be more pracitcal and measured with $ or thoughtful when it came to decisions about our home, I wasn't "fun". In fact, as far as he was concerned, I was critical - just like FIL.

Midway through the party, my SIL came up to me and said FIL remembers you. He came oustide, told me he has "the dementia" and proceeded to chatter away about what he's been up to. My SIL was going to call an Uber to take him home and he asked if I could. I said sure, and SIL said no, we can call an Uber. FIL, said no, she said she can take me home and so I did. That really made me happy.

Among other things, these revelations are making me question our marriage completely. I was happy (mostly), thought he was responsible (mostly). Maybe he wasn't happy becuase this wasn't the life he really wanted? Maybe he resented being responsible? This is a lot to process; thankfully I see my IC tomorrow.