This used to be easier - and a lot more fun, cont.

[DonH]

Time for an update again. Lot's new, I guess, just not any amazing, great news.

I'll start with my main client - which is no longer my main client. This could be a book in itself. It's a large support association in the emergency services arena that I was executive director of for 18 years. I know I've told this story in years past on these boards. Anyhow, I had been doing their media after being brought back to bring them out of near bankruptcy in 2012. Well, 18 months ago the board abruptly fired the ED that replaced me and then went onto hire perhaps the worst possible candidate. It's been hell ever since. I have absolutely no doubt this guy will have them back at the bankruptcy door within two years. He is very, very bad news, lies about pretty much everything from the moment he wakes up until he goes to sleep and has NO CLUE what he is doing. Of course I'm a huge threat to him as I know the truth - yet the board is so asleep or just doesn't care, or is buying what he is selling, that they don't really care what I might tell them so I have not really said anything. Anyhow, he is not only NOT renewing my contract, he's not even having me do any work while it ends at the close of 2017 - the result of which amounts to giving me 12 weeks of paid vacation. No kidding, I'm being paid, just not having to do anything. It's really been four months of paid vacation.

Like a bad relationship, I'm beyond thrilled to be out of it. the downside is the cash flow will be lower but honestly, I could just about fully retire at this point in my life - especially given the stock market these past few years. So instead, I'm going to put the time I was putting into that contract towards building up doing speaking and continuing education related to the opioid crisis going on in the USA. It really is where my passion is. I've already been doing this - the struggle is getting paid for it. But I have a plan and we'll see if it works or not. I've been working on all of my marketing materials to start booking for 2018.

I know it's hard for everyone here to remember back about someone's specific sitch - I know it is for me. To refresh, I'm the guy who was D in 2006, didn't date at all until late 2007. I've had two Rs both less than six months since then. I didn't try much until after R two ended in summer of 2013 after I turned 50. Then in about 2015, give or take a year or two, I was putting in more effort to date. I tried several online stints, friends, meeting people randomly, etc. Nothing worked. I've related the various stories. People here suggested perhaps I just need to stop trying as things will happen when I least expect it. So in part due to that advice, I stopped all of these efforts. My last flirt with an R was this past summer, but it really never went anywhere by my choice as I saw red flags.

With that background, here's the latest - hmmmmm well the latest is no change really. There are several potential dating opportunities that could end up going somewhere. The fling I had a year ago over Thanksgiving has remained a good friend - but at least for me she's mostly a friend. She lives in Canada and I'm in Wisconsin so let's start there. I've known her for 20 years but nothing physical happened until we were together last Thanksgiving. I've seen her since but as part of functions. She's actually been doing some sub-contracting work for me on projects so we have that connection as well. I really enjoy her, we are very, very natural as far as communication goes - very normal flow. I just feel more of a friend vibe - somewhat due to physical attraction or lack of - and well, she was not a very good kisser either. Just call me shallow Don, it's okay.

Then there is the lady I met 10 months ago. Same deal, we have an amazing flow in she will just call me or text me randomly, we get together to do things, we will talk on the phone for hours etc. It's mostly business though. She is rather closed to personal things or even feelings. I had asked her out the week after meeting her but she said she was not in a committed R but seeing someone and didn't want to date someone else as well. I've not heard a single word about this person since. I still think she's gay and doesn't want to tell me - or is very very afraid of dating anyone. She's my age and never married. Very independent, etc.

What I'm trying to get at, however, is I really think I am so checked out of even the potential of an R.... I don't even try at all. Take this past weekend, I was with two other couples - one in an R for coming up on one year, the other married for 33. I could have cared less that I didn't have someone and honestly after watching them, was glad I did not. I even told them at this point I think I'd rather get a colonoscopy than get married. There were two women at the Christmas gather I was at that I could have at least tried to peruse - one I think I may have met 5 years ago - and again, I just could have cared less. The 5 year lady kept looking at me, yet I was like Mea, whatever - not enough interest to walk over.

I don't neither like nor dislike this. I'm more afraid of growing old or having this life come to a close without ever having love again. Yet, I'm not afraid enough that I'm willing to do anything about it. The thought of a full on R scares the crap out of me - or at least gives me a very uneasy feeling. To me an R just means pain and hurt. I see it throughout the boards here with story after story after story of betrail. I see it with most of my friends my age or younger. The only people I really see who are happy and not fighting are my parents age. More and more women my age either can't stand to be alone and will take anyone - just got more examples of that this weekend with a guy who left his third wife less than three months ago "falling in love" and moving three states away without the D even being final yet - or examples of ladies who don't want to even go out on a single date with someone. I have male friends in the same boat although we do call one of them "the 40 year old virgin."

I'll end with this as I put it on someone else's thread - may have been Dawn's. There is a matchmaking service called "It's Just Lunch" that I keep hearing ads for. Not sure of the cost but I'm betting it's mid three figures to perhaps entry four figures - it would not surprise me. Anyhow, a human being meets with you to find out about you. They then hand pick someone they feel is a good match and even set up lunch or dinner reservations for you. They then say - show up at such and such place at 1 PM and meet Mary. They then talk to you after the date to see how it went - as well as the person you went out with. Not sure if it's worth a try or not. Although at this point I'd have to say to them - look I'm only looking for someone to do things with - travel with, weekends, etc. I'm not looking for my next wife. I keep getting told there are women out there who want to keep their own house and own life and keep running into guys who want to marry them. In other words, I'm what they are looking for. I'm told this yet I never meet these women - although that one gal who may or may not be gay could be one of them and I'm just in the friend zone. Anyhow, I would add that if I somehow fall in love, as very doubtful as that may be, I would not shut the door on longer term committed. Actually I'd be fine with long term committed - just not married. The thing is, I'm just not in that lonely, wanting a GF place I was about a year ago to even try. I keep getting notifications from Match and POF that someone wants to contact me - evidently my profiles are still showing or something. I don't even have any interest in looking. I'm in a place where all I see is people wishing they were me and could do what they want, when they want and had no one nagging at them.

I really have given up, have no expectations and am least expecting anything. So if all of those people are correct, someone should be crossing my path. I just doubt it. I'd love to be wrong, but as often happens in my life, I'm not.

There's my update. Comment at will.

PS, I do have some thoughts about how my life has in some ways come full circle and I'm back to where I was at 20 again. Perhaps that will be my next post.