WW ended EA 4 mos ago; trying to restore intimacy

[hoosjim]

You think she's having an affair and trying to find out? Well then just assume the worst and act accordingly. Let HER prove to you that she's not. Until then, live your life like she's still an active cheater.

Stander, you always have some good insights and this is no different. However, I think your insights here may have been more timely 4 or so months ago.

You see, right now, I do not think she is having an affair. I think she is having difficulty getting over the affair she had previously, and that her bff is further complicating that recovery. I am not snooping on her, but have "spot checked" her a couple of times based largely on Sandi2s suggestions. Call it "intel gathering" or "research" as I think that that is more apt. My MC/IC didn't even have an issue with it, nor did my DB coach.

The conundrum I am in, and why your advice her might not be as timely as it could have been is this: As I posted a couple of threads back, I think, I have chosen my path, here. That path involves marriage counseling and an effort to rekindle an intimate relationship in my marriage that does not currently exist. I know opinions vary on the "possibility" of achieving this, but is certainly something that MWD has described in her books as being possible. Problem is, I may have jumped too soon. I had her on the ropes so to speak. Desperate because she saw the whole façade crumbling, me walking away and her "losing" the kids, or at least their respect. I could have walked off then and probably should have, and maybe then by this point she would have "fallen" for me again and we would be more actively and effectively piecing. That is not what happened, however. I took her back, she committed to ending things with OM (which she has apparently upheld), and we committed to working with the MC. She is still doing those things. Not sure I could jettison her now without looking like a two-faced jerk, undoing the good progress that we have made so far (we weren't even friends 6 or 7 months ago) and permanently poisoning the waters.

As to the sex-free marriage, well... I put us in that boat way more than she did (see above response to Zeus) and it has been a LONG time. The romance was long gone from our MR by the time OM came along, and W and I have not been intimate in fully four years or so. Maybe 5. It's been a loooong time. Insisting on sex "Right damned now" just doesn't make sense in the current state of affairs. Moving deliberately towards that is what, apparently, I am committed to now. Problem is I don't see that being successful as long as W is in fantasy land, and I have moved OUT of the realm of distancing/going-dark/after-the-last-resort-technique. Perhaps I should not have so moved but... the fact of the matter is that I did. Going back to that right now not really an option.

Do I have boundaries? Yes, one of which is that she can't see OM. Were that to happen, then, yes, of course I would drop the rope cut the cord and "go dark". Problem is, I would also file. With no going back. I have told her as much and I meant it. if om ever comes back in the picture we are through

So not sure how what you suggest could fit into my current sitch, at least in it's totality. I will certainly take to heart your suggestions to make myself "awesome" and irresistible, but "living my life like she is an active cheater probably doesn't make a lot of sense right here given what has gone before.

Would still love to see Sandi2s take on the most recent.