Jim, I sure do read a lot of mind-reading in your posts. This is one of the problems with snooping, it leads to a crap-ton of mind-reading to fill in the blanks. I personally would suggest you drop the snooping. You think she's having an affair and trying to find out? Well then just assume the worst and act accordingly. Let HER prove to you that she's not. Until then, live your life like she's still an active cheater.
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And, finally, another thing... and kind of disturbing/sad. The un-returned kiss was a revelation to me. I find that there are few things as unattractive as a woman who doesn't respond to you. I was not so much "hurt" by the lack of response as I was left feeling very empty. It DID sound like an invitation to kiss her and initiate something... but the reasons for the invitation were selfish on her part, imo, almost like a temp check though not exactly.
The "revelation" to you should be this- she doesn't find you attractive right now. So what can you do about that? Get out. Get a life. Quit snooping (that is SO not attractive). Give her time and space. Detach. I think maybe you're trying too hard and she's pulling away (the ol' you pursue/she distances dynamic at work). Read TXHubby's thread again, try and model more of your activities after his. He made himself so damned attractive that his W begged him to take her back.
I'm always a little perplexed at sexless relationships. For me I've always made it clear to my romantic interests that sex is not optional with me. You want me then you will be having sex with me. You start playing games with sex then our relationship will come to an abrupt end. If you two are not having sex then I wouldn't even consider that piecing, or any kind of couples relationship really. I would go back to DB'ing and treat her like a cheating WAS. If she wants to reconcile then fine, she can show it in the bedroom. Until then she shouldn't bother you because you are too busy out there being awesome. You're not going to "nice" her back, so quit trying. Be mysterious, a little bad and naughty. Make her wonder what you're up to. Make her pursue you instead of vice versa.
