WW ended EA 4 mos ago; trying to restore intimacy

[Zues126]

She says she still thinks most everything is better between us than ever-- we talk and laugh more than we ever have, we have fun when we go out, and our parenting is on the same page. But... no "spark". She says she still gets that regret which she's always had (and which she has in fact told mme about in the past even as far back as when we were dating) that she feels like she wanted to be a free spirit and just get on a bus and head west or to joion the peace corps or something but she never did, mostly because of what otherr people expected of her (which is a little of what was driving her Friday, apparently when she went to store x), and that she still regrets that. And now if she goes off on her own she will be being selfish and hurt everybody else. Also that she wants to go off and try all these new things, skydiving, etc., but "doesn't see herself doing them with me or really with anyone exxcept maybe her girlfriends" and that she's sorry but that "she knows that hurts me to hear". None of that is, of course, really news at this point, and it is supposedly what we are supposed to be working on to "get back"... but it seems more and more as if i am competing with both the lingering rebellion as well as an unfulfillable fantasy.

I could've possibly been a professional pool player that won international competitions, traveled the world competing, and spent my time walking beaches across the globe to relax between matches and working on my game with other champions. Instead I get up early to drop my kids off at school and go to work. When I play competitions I inevitably get eliminated by players that went down the road I didn't and play full time. But instead I have three wonderful children, a rewarding career, and still find my way to some thrilling victories on occasion.

In life you make choices. You get ice cream for desert or you get cookies. You get to order the steak or the shrimp. 'Wanting it all' in life is like going to an infinitely large buffet and wanting to try 'a little of everything'.

I'm not sure if human nature has always to perpetually covet what we don't have, but I feel that the internet age and advent of social media has poured gas on the fire. Keeping up with the Jones's is harder and harder because now we can see the entire buffet, and we know how much we are 'missing out' on. It's easy to get panicked.
Just like if there were $100 bills all over the streets there would be a mob trying to pick them all up, one can find themselves terrified that there is all of this happiness out there and everyone else is getting it, but (gasp) it's slipping through our fingers because all we have is what we have.

This grosses me out. It is all viewed through a lens that the most important thing in the world is our personal gratification. The things we covet don't bring happiness, they bring pleasure. Pleasure is obtaining something external that makes us feel good temporarily. Happiness comes from appreciating what we have, the most powerful of which are internal and involve sacrifice. When we think we're not happy enough we become less appreciative, and the only way we know to change how we feel is to chase more pleasure.

But pleasure involves a sacrifice too, and it involves us sacrificing the things that would actually bring us happiness. And so the downward spiral begins, empty lives filling up on garbage.

I'm almost to my point.

My friend, who also sacrificed his pool career to start a family, is still married. When he lost out of a competition he'd get very frustrated because he felt that his family was the reason he lost. Which in a way is true. But he would become very resentful of his wife and his family because of this. I guess he didn't feel he was getting as much pleasure from being a husband or a dad as he would if he were a champion pool player, and he felt like his wife should understand the sacrifice he made and somehow show the appreciation by making the family man role more rewarding for him. This is a normal need of course, feeling appreciated, and his wife should certainly understand this and do her best to show her appreciation as much as possible. The problem was his expectations and how it turned into resentment.

It reached a point to where his wife basically said 'look, you can stay or you can go, but you can't stay and then perpetually gripe about being here'. This was a wake up call to him, and he realized that he needed to focus on appreciating what he had, and not being angry about what he didn't. He has since quit playing pool because it was a trigger for him and his life has been easier since he did. He's still new in this struggle. It's a battle. But I've talked to him about this for endless hours and he agrees it's a matter of appreciation not acquisition.

OK, so now to your wife. She seems very similar to my friend. She resents reality because it doesn't measure up to what she wants, a little of everything. Her friends and every pillow embroidered saying in the world all assures her that she is a special princess that deserves a bit of everything. And she isn't 'happy' so clearly that proves they are all right.

Personally I don't think she'll ever be happy unless she picks one meal and enjoys it rather than staring at everyone else on the buffet. But I don't control her, and neither do you. She's on her journey, and you can't speed it up or lead her one way or another.

What you get to do is establish boundaries. What is a deal breaker for you? I get it, if she's with OM that's clear. But what if the marriage remains sexless? I get being patient during a difficult marital crisis, but at what point does it become a whiny child throwing a tantrum and punishing you by withholding affection because she is resentful your existence is preventing her from that fling with the waiter in Paris? I'm not suggesting you tell her to put out or get out.

But it might help to have a game plan for yourself as to what you're willing to take. And at some point you may need to express that to her. Not as an ultimatum, but more as a boundary. The same way the "I am not going to remain in a open marriage" is bandied about, there may be a time when you say "I'm not going to be in a relationship where affection is being withheld". IF that is a deal breaker. And if that time comes you'd better be ready to detach and move forward on your own, because you can't control her and there is a good chance you'll have to go your own way.

Now- here's the hard part. If it's NOT a deal breaker then you don't get to make that statement. In fact, you're essentially making the statement that "I am committed to you regardless of whether you withhold sex and affection because you resent me for your lack of fulfillment".

AND, if that is your stance, then YOU have to let go of YOUR expectations, and instead of YOU focusing on what YOU don't have (a sexually fulfilling relationship with an appreciative loving spouse) YOU have to focus on what you DO have. And find fulfillment in what you've been given in your life.

If you can't find fulfillment in what you already have in your life, how do you expect her to find fulfillment in hers? Lead by example, and hope maybe someday she can follow.

Am I saying that no sex should be a deal breaker? Not necessarily. Personally I don't believe in deal breakers in a marriage but if someone wanted to make a case for it I think no sex would their best chance to make me wish I did. Of course it's too early for that right now.

What I'm really saying is 1) Be patient, today won't be what your relationship looks like in 3 months or 12 months, 2) Find joy in limbo, if you can't be appreciative of your life right as is you're just as far off track as she is and you need to be a leader, and 3) figure out what your boundaries are so you can protect yourself if she crosses them and you can stop mentally whining and let go of the expectations if she doesn't.

Easier said than done. I was in a sexless marriage for the last 3 years and while I was resolved to go to the grave a very frustrated but still married man, I was definitely resentful and allowed that to impact how I conducted myself as a husband. I wrote a thread about this (the card came), if this wasn't already an epic novel post I'd quote it for you, let me know if you haven't seen it. Point is I get that it is tough. It's so hard I don't know if I could do it even with the things I've learned in the last three years. Put me back in that M and I still might not be able to handle it. But I think that's the fight you have to fight.

It all stems from no expectations and appreciation. You wrote a lot about what you did wrong and what didn't go well and what's missing and her bad influences and what's not perfect and your doubts and fears and both of your challenges. You kind of glossed over the overall pleasant experiences you guys are having and what's going right. If you're 95% focused on what you don't have you're doing it wrong. And just like you get frustrated that she's so focused on the french waiter, she's probably frustrated that she's recommitted to the M, quit seeing OM, and is doing the best she feels she can and you are still hung up on that it's not perfect. Do your best HJ. It's hard. Keep posting.