By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

ok Job. I read your post and really gave this some thought. Your question is not an easy one. I have built a wall between me and H to protect myself. Even in thought, I keep myself from thinking of reconciliation as it seems so far from reach at this point. So one night I was able to let my walls down briefly, to really let myself feel, and this is what I came up with:

Yes I love H. I don't know what this pull is that I have to save my marriage, but it's there....loyalty, values, faith...If I could work magic, I would want him to come to me saying he wants to try to fix this mess. I have never stopped wanting to try, I have just let those thoughts go as it's been 4 years since this all started.

If that magic never happens, I want us to go our separate ways peacefully and I hope for him to regret that choice for every lasting day he has.

I figure either way I will be just fine. Now, if I go by gut that is a whole different thing. I worry H is not good for me, but most of those reasons are mostly fixable. I also think of the gift I have been given, the freedom to find someone who I am much more compatible with.

There is no simple answer here, so I choose happiness and to live my life for me and S. Every day I wake up hopeful for a new day, and every night I give thanks for what I am grateful for. I have grown so much, not sure if H can or ever could truly fit in our world.