WW ended EA 4 mos ago; trying to restore intimacy

[hoosjim]

Rebellion. Fantasy. These are two of the big hurdles i am facing here.

We talked today. Her visit to Store X (next door to OM's hangout bar where she had meetups with him on a handful of occasions, at least, that I know of), AFTER i asked her "Is that somewhere you really want to be, and to be putting yourself in that situation, especially since you know he often hangs out there on Friday afternoons" was, on some level, apparently, an act of rebellion. That's not what she would consider it, perhaps, but it sure was the way she explained it (and remember that i am very bad about remembering exact words): "I want to be able to go where I want to go, without worrying about this or that. I wasn't even thinking about that being his hangout when i first thought of going there, i just wanted to look at clothes. After you brought that up then i definitely wanted to go there just to prove that i could do it..." (I later thought i should have reminded her about the last, at least that i know of, FTF meet she ever had with OM where she said she left the house not even intending to see him and she's not even really sure how or why she did it-- which MC seemed to grant can happen in these addicitive type affairs-- but i didn't at the time.

She also said she didn't think i was out of line or obnoxious on Friday, though i still think i overdid it a little bit, AND... Regarding the kiss:

That was a clear invitation from her. Don't apologize for kissing her.

It was actually NOT a clear invitation from her... at least not probably in the sense you were thinking. She was not wanting to be kissed, but, rather, was wanting to see if I would kiss her. Basically seeing if i really wanted to kiss her. She was also, apparently, hoping to find out if she would "feel that spark" or "like she wanted more", but she didn't get it. She still wants that fantasy feeling to drop out of thin air... like it does in all of the Hallmark channel christmas movies that she has been glued to for the past few days and is at every recent christmas i can remember (probably why holidays are so disappointing to her... I mean what can match up to THAT.) She also had been a rabid, and I mean RABID consumer of romance novels leading up to the A with OM, so she has a good, solid, understanding of the fantasy life she thinks she can have.

She says she still thinks most everything is better between us than ever-- we talk and laugh more than we ever have, we have fun when we go out, and our parenting is on the same page. But... no "spark". She says she still gets that regret which she's always had (and which she has in fact told mme about in the past even as far back as when we were dating) that she feels like she wanted to be a free spirit and just get on a bus and head west or to joion the peace corps or something but she never did, mostly because of what otherr people expected of her (which is a little of what was driving her Friday, apparently when she went to store x), and that she still regrets that. And now if she goes off on her own she will be being selfish and hurt everybody else. Also that she wants to go off and try all these new things, skydiving, etc., but "doesn't see herself doing them with me or really with anyone exxcept maybe her girlfriends" and that she's sorry but that "she knows that hurts me to hear". None of that is, of course, really news at this point, and it is supposedly what we are supposed to be working on to "get back"... but it seems more and more as if i am competing with both the lingering rebellion as well as an unfulfillable fantasy.

Finally, i am coming to the conclusion that I am NOT nor have i ever been competing with OM for my wife. To the extet I am competing at all, I am competing with W's bff. It was bff who first got her going out on these "single girls nights" (rather than trying to help repair our broken marriage), who encouraged her in her A with OM, and who continues to encourage her to "just choose 'you'" and "you HAVE to be selfish sometimes" and "Oh look at me how happy i am with my AP" (and it is a very seductive call, as bff leads a life fully half filled with leisure as she and her STBXH sold their first business for a boatload and now she just consults part time, and spends the rest of her time jetting to florida, or new orleans, or new york, soon Europe apparently, rendezvousing with her AP and "having lots of sex."

And, finally, another thing... and kind of disturbing/sad. The un-returned kiss was a revelation to me. I find that there are few things as unattractive as a woman who doesn't respond to you. I was not so much "hurt" by the lack of response as I was left feeling very empty. It DID sound like an invitation to kiss her and initiate something... but the reasons for the invitation were selfish on her part, imo, almost like a temp check though not exactly.

Idunno. If she is committed to this she needs to be committed. Someone told me once that if you go into something expecting it to suck or expecting to be unhappy, chances are it is going to suck or you are going to be unhappy. If you commit to BEING happy and commit to making something work and come out GOOD, you vastly increase your chances of that happening. Right now, it seems, she expects no spark between us, and she expects her holiday to suck, so both those things are likely to come true.


Oh, and she actually copped to the flowers at her office that she took the picture of as her FB front page being from OM, saying "well you knew he sent me flowers" (which i actually did not, she never having told me that i can recall) but denied that he gave her any other gifts... which i have a very very hard time believing. I'd have found it much more believable had she said "yes he did but i pitched them."


And or those of you new to this rodeo, the flowers and gifts and such with Om were not recent... they were from this past spring.

AFAIK she is still "Non contacting" the Om... but i am starting to wonder if she is thinking of this as "doing time" for a year, after which she will be able to say "I tried" and then end the MR.

Now who's thinking negative. I know the man upstairs has my back, but I can't say for sure where that path leads.

And one final note... really scatterbrained today. Lest you think it's ALL negative, we did have a fairly nice, light, fUn day, post-talk Christmas shopping for the kids, and stopping for coffee once and lunch and a drink later. She also said, during our talk, thst she agreed that things always seemed to be somewhat better right after a MC session, and she agreed to go back this week and next. Just wish she would do the IC, too. Too busy watching hallmark (where she actually is right now...)