AP, I was prepared for him to slowly start making contact around this time and I know that I was not going to let it happen the way it did last Christmas. I can see I helped to inflate his ego, knowing that i would have done anything to see him at that time of the year even though he had just ripped our family apart. Not this year. I know he has enough enabling friends to accommodate him so I am not too concerned. .
Job, thank you for your encouragement. You are right though, I now need to put my money where my mouth is! I do feel so much stronger now and I know that I am ready to let go of the hope that H will come back. I can now see his subtle controlling ways and how he treats me with contempt most of the time but expects gratitude if he does something he considers 'nice'. I do not deserve this. I deserve someone who will love and cherish me and D not someone who just uses us for his own means to an end.
For me he has lost his charm and I now just see a very selfish, self obsessed 46 year old man who is happy to just live in the shadow of other people's families than nurture his own. D said that when she saw him the other day he looked ugly! She said he has put on a lot of weight and his hair has not been cut for some time. He is also wearing glasses that do not suit him at all, which I also saw when we had coffee and agree. If we were still together myself and D would have advised him against getting them but he has no fashion advisors now!
I believe that sometimes the ugliness that grows inside a person can manifest itself on the outside too.
Journaling - H's BF's wife asked me and D out to the cinema yesterday with her kids and we went because when the kids are with us she does not mention H at all which is good. We had a nice time and she saw my new car so I am sure the jungle drums will start banging and H will know by now. She also mentioned how 'trendy' I was looking with my new coat so she can see that I have not let myself go like H has. I am proud that I have not let myself go down that slippery slope!
Thank you all for your encouragement. I appreciate it so much...
Happy Sunday! Xx
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
