25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[25yearsmlc]

1 remark about dating notes here -

I'm using this as a journal for others and for myself.

And it helps me reflect before making a mistake.


and

3 questions about casual/serious sex

the "going home" afterwards isn't a problem ("oh, sorry, I have to go to Mass now, - at 4 am... See ya!")

but ^^^this means that the encounter is in HIS home, not mine. Which didn't hit me as being how it would occur. Hmmm.

2) AND YET the reality for me - as you may suspect - is that I doubt I'll find casual sex very appealing, sexually. Sure wasn't that way when I was young, b/c with one exception, I've never been with a man I did not love or think i loved. The one exception was with a guy I was dating.

Despite his age (28), and despite the fact that I know he cared for me, the encounter was "disappointing". Once "his party" was over, which happened really fast (but which I attributed to how - you know - appealing I was--,)

I assumed it'd be my turn, you know? But HE was tired and so he put his arm on me and fell asleep.

Then I realized to my horror/amusement, that the party was over for ALL of us - b/c it was over for him. For a guy courting me hard, and for it being our first time, that's amazingly poor judgement.

So in a sense, I use this^^ as an example as to what is likely to happen in a true ONS.
So why the appeal to me at all? I know the men are older and more experienced, but I'm not sure how big a deal that is now.

So why is there any appeal to it, for me?

Good question.

(And I admit if I were a man, I might feel differently, but only about the physical part).


This freedom is the first freedom I've had I'm my life. I am free to do as I wish. Be with whom I wish, and without judgement.


I met h when I was 19...Yes I had high school "love" (and it sure felt like love then, and I still recall it that way), but H threw off my dating game plan.

So a part of this is like I want to be invited to "the party", but not necessarily go to it...make sense?

So is part of the desire to date - to show H (or the world) that I am still desirable?
that I am not a discard? To even the score? It's something to bear in mind for sure.
In fact I bet a lot of 2nd marriages are related to this mistaken or unhealthy urge.

Finally, my DB friends, I remember everything every wise person has said about rebounds.

From my CA therapist who hammered it to me, who made me promise/swear not to marry the first man I dated -(which technically M is not, but I know her meaning)

to the local T who sort of said the same

"enjoy this R and if it's only a R that comforts you in the plane crash, so be it.

But if it also reminds you of who you are inside b/c you forgot all your good qualities

b/c you were given & came to believe some negative false feedback given by someone busy justifying his choices and checking out of the m, (but NOT giving you that memo)

if you now get authentic positive feedback from someone who matters to you -that IS valuable AND IS part of the healing process...

just don't think he's the only source of it, and now It's about being honest and NOT letting the projections get to you or M."

Most of us did a lot of projecting in our m's. Our hopes or our fears...


We projected onto our spouses that they were as invested in our m as we were.


For a LONG time, I did that. I believed h's lies b/c I projected MY VALUES on him and since I would not have lied, why would h? Why not believe him? This caused me to waste huge chunks of time in my life. Like trying to wrap my brain around HOW he could do all this behind my back

sort of like wrapping our brain around a martian's b/c we do NOT have the same values, obviously.

See the problem?

I don't want to project all these great qualities onto M that might not be fair or accurate (or healthy for me).

But I sure do get the appeal of the projections, as if you are in a DEEP REAL relationship far too soon, feels good! And that helps the small amount of insight I have into h replacing me so fast.

- it's much easier to avoid seeing wreckage or to doubt yourself - if there's someone in your line of vision who blocks out the bad images. Someone validating your choices and stroking your back and, whatever...
And now I can see the appeal of having a validating OP in your line of vision, validating you.

I get it.


I worry that one reason for wanting to date others and being "in a relationship" is the desire to show the world (or h) that I AM DESIRABLE! I'm not the rejected! I'm still worthy!

and yes^^I KNOW that's not healthy.

It's real & human, but ultimately not healthy. I know there is no contest, and if there were, I'd have my integrity, zero moral regrets. I'd know that I have not lost a loyal devoted h. But He lost a loyal devoted (funny) wife,

and I lost a lying cheat who was also smart and funny and well built, but he did not marry down in looks. He just resigned from the m without telling me, and had a head start on the new life.

H has lost more than me, whether he knows it or not. Not to mention the r's I have with our kids. But the only "contest" or equation that matters is what WE put on our side.

I'm getting happier and filling my life with a lot of new people and trusted long time friends. I'm back to GAL and I THINK I have a job offer coming. Don't want to jinx it.

Different area (finances) and barely above entry level, but with room to grow. Plus, btw, I need a job!


One last thing about dating - I don't see a high risk TO ME of getting badly hurt by letting someone in my heart IN TIME, or for forward emotional movement to occur,

b/c I cannot imagine being hurt as deeply or betrayed so horribly as I have been by h,

and yet I did not break.