WW ended EA 4 mos ago; trying to restore intimacy

[hoosjim]

Okay, so more color on last night (please read previous post, too, if cadet has not yet consolidated).

We went out, planning to meet another couple (who, actually, are also in a stressed relationship, though no infidelity AFAIK). I had found a karaoke night (something we both enjoy-- her watching, me sometimes singing) at a pub we both like, and this other couple (W is pretty good friends with the woman, who is a good singer and also enjoys karaoke) were supposed to meet us out. Karaoke ended up bieng a bust but we had a lot of fun talking and joking with our waitress and the table next to us (and with each other), but eventually we contacted the other couple to meet us at a different local establishment where there was a good C&W band playing. The other woman's husband didn't feel well and opted not to show, but W and I and friend had a really good time talking and chatting, and I think W was pretty impressed with how well I interacted with her friend and kept them both laughing and entertained (and I think I won her friend-- who I know had been skeptical about me after the long years of my neglecting my W-- over to "my corner" a bit.)

Then, her friend left, and things went to heck a bit. W and I decided to have "one more drink", which was prolly one too many for me, and possibly for her, as she seemed to get tipsy earlier than normal last night. At any rate, my tongue was loosed a little too much, and I go a little too cocky and self-assured. Ended up talking about one of my old flames-- came up in connection with another story i was telling wife in response to a question she asked about "who i trusted", and I know (and should have remembered) that that (old GFs) is a sensitive subject for my W who always holds herself up to disfavorable comparison when other girls are the subject. And of course I had to mention how good looking this girl was. Stupid. Then we get talking to one of the bartenders there, who works at another bar-- a C/W bar W and I have discussed going to-- and he invites us to come out there some night, and I let slip that I had already been (which i had months ago when W was off on one of her weekenders with bff) even though i had told W i hadn't... and she immediately wanted to know (sounding innocent when asking) "I thought you'd never been? Did you go with _______________? [name of the cute bartender at my regular watering hole who my W thinks has an interest in me and who I probably mentioned one too many times last night--she has become a bit of a friend and confidante, but there is nothing between us although she is young and very cute and W definitely thinks she's in to me-- which I kinda doubt but... whatever.] I said "no, of course not. I just stuck my head in there on one of the weekends you were away" Which was true, but i think i had told her previously id never been there. So that looked bad... Especially since i had also told her in the past that cute bartender was familiar with the place and went there from time to time.

Finally, back home, and things were a little foggy... we sat in bed and talked. I had wanted to "talk" earlier, about a few things, but she had deflected. Not 100% sure what all was ultimately said last night, but at some point it involved me saying something like (and remember this is pretty foggy) "You know who some of the women i've been involved with are (a lingerie model, a college cheerleader) and I know you've told me in the past you feel bad about yourself but... you need to know that you have enthralled me like no other woman before, your physical beauty, your inner beauty, all of it... you're everything i would ever want in a woman" (Or something like that). Bleah. Bad, sappy, I'm-too-drunk thing to say. Not sure I can remember how well it went over or not. I also recall telling her, as I have in the past, that sometimes I feel like the "rules with her right now are different than they would be right now with pretty much any other woman on the planet." Which is when she gave me the "well what would you be doing right now if the rules weren't different" or "Why don't you just do what you would normally do" or something to that effect (dont recall exactly) Which is when I tried to kiss her, or did kiss her, actually, I say "try" because it was not returned. And what came immediately thereafter is blank and I can't remember what either of us said.

This morning I tried to apologize for being too drunk and she said "you were fine." She sounded sincere... of course she also sounded sincere the night back in May when she said much the same after i had gotten over the top drunk, yelled at her bff, and passed out and gotten sick at the house after which she ubered out to rendezvous with Om and bff. She didn't do that last night--,meaning go meet bff/om, but i am not sure she would tell me she were ticked at me even if she were.

She was VERY tired tonight--we were up past 3 and her whole office had to go into work this morning at 8 oclock for a couple of hours, and she's also coming down with a cold. So, I didn't get the chance to talk with her.

I really want to know how SHE's feeling right now-- we havent had a MR talk in like 3-4 weeks-- and to apologize for putting pressure on her last night and for becoming too me-focused and talking about my former GF's which i know has hurt her in the past. But I also want to talk to her about affair recovery and about her going so close to OM's hangout on Friday. I really thought the way you put it was marvellous:

Even if she was ever-so-over OM (which she's not), she should have considered your feelings; considered how it could look suspicious; be smart enough to know the temptations and the havoc it has with her emotions; and realize it's not worth being set back at ground zero again. She is suppose to striving to avoid getting anywhere in the vicinity of OM. It is much too soon to take those type of risks.

I REALLY wish she would go get some IC as MC suggested. She definitely could use the third party insight on affair addictiveness and recovery(MC has already told us it can take a year or so) as well as about her own inner unhappiness. She was really energized about some of the self-exploration stuff immediately following our last session four weeks ago, but she rapidly tailed off.

I am trying so hard to be "Christian" about the way i live life and feel about people, but sometimes i really wish bff would just go crawl in a hole and disappear. The way W smooches up to her is almost like a lover or something: "Am i going to be able to get my bff time before you go away for three weeks?" And she is such such SUCH a bad influence on my W. Idunno, maybe my W will "give in to the dark side" with bff and end up being like AnotherStander's, changing to the point I don't recognize her. I hope not because i still see the sweetness and goodness in her that i fell in love with but... people change. And I know sometimes especially it can happen with women when they are going through menopause as my W currently is.



Retraction ftom two posts above. There were NOT missing/deleted texts between W and bff. I misread the online log. All texts accounted for