I'm going to chime in here and mention that I too am getting the same kind of "head-spinning-epiphanies" from this book. If Tim is like me, then his excitement isn't over the prospect of receiving more (fill in the blank) from his W but rather a new understanding of himself in the marital context.
It is providing us with hope because it's giving us the ability to see something concrete for the first time. We now can set a goal that WE have control over. The ideas in the book allow you to "short-circuit" the thought process that cause anxiety. Will it lessen our motivation to stay vigilant about where we want our marriages to go? No way. What alleviates the anxiety is the idea that we can deal with a spouse that "doesn't get it".
I'm only 100 pages into it and going slow but it's already making a big difference in the way I see things. Sure, we are going to have to re-train our Ws to stop seeing us in the old light, but it's a good goal to have.
Here's a dialog I had with W in bed last night.
w: "there's a light on in your office" me: "I'll turn it off after you fall asleep" w: "I'll be fine if you go now...trust me, I can live 10 seconds without you laying here with me" me: "I'm not trying to win favoritism by this...I just like laying here with you...period".
You see, we've conditioned our Ws over the years into thinking that ALL of our efforts are to derive validation back from them. These type of exchanges are what make me think it's going to take a while but once again, it's subtle things in my language that will eventually lead her to recognize that she's not responsible anymore. BTW...The truth behind that exchange was exactly what I said. I knew I was going to get up eventually because I wasn't tired, so my point was "why get up now, when I'm getting up later...I want to stay here".
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
