Quote: The specific fusion thing that I was talking about was at that critical moment of sexual rejection. At that moment, yes I do receive my validation from H and a good portion of my identity from him. I am showing him (presenting to him) my most secret and sacred self and he is rejecting that. Yes yes, I know he is rejecting the sex but the SEX comes in the package of Honeypot and there is no way to reject ONLY the sex, that is a ridiculous notion.
Honey, that is the true power of this book. Holding onto yourself DOESN'T just mean being able to self-soothe, it ALSO means being able to stand up for yourself in the face of rejection. Specifically go back and read the interaction between Bill and Joan - that spoke powerfully to me. When he was reluctant to satisfy her orally when he was unable to maintain erection. That was very selfish of him, and it was because of his own fears of intimacy. What is your H afraid of? THAT is the question. Being able to stand up for yourself emotionally and sexually changes the "rules of engagement", and makes the SO choose between hanging onto their selfish behavior (which they can then SEE as selfish and self-centered) or moving forward with the R. That's a HARD choice sometimes. "Holding onto yourself" by rolling away and comforting yourself is NOT the way to stand up for yourself. The HARD part is to hold onto yourself WHILE MAINTAINING CLOSENESS and standing up for yourself and your own desires in the face of obstinance by your partner. Try practicing "Hugging till relaxed", and see if it makes a difference...
