CB...I will chime in. I took my ring off about 2 weeks after BD. I have not put it on since and it didn't feel right wearing it. It is a personal choice but for me it signaled that I was still hanging on.
We always put the tree up together as a family and decorated it as well. This year I will not be inviting my W over to decorate the tree. That is something I will do with my D's. If she wants to put a tree up and decorate with them in her apt then she can go ahead.
I did extend her an invite to be at the house in any capacity she wanted to. I will have the kids on Christmas Eve and Day so because we both agreed that they should wake up in our home and not her apt. I told her she was under no pressure or obligation either way, I thought it would be good for the girls. I personally have no expectations. So far she has indicated she wanted to do something together as a family on Christmas eve but is not sure about anything else at this time.
I am a little farther down the path than you so please take that into consideration. IMO you need to be in a good place emotionally and if she accepts you can be happy around her, not pursue, etc. TBH I could not do that early on so if I was 1 month in I probably would not have been able to handle it. I hope this makes sense.
If your in a good place emotionally, know you can hold it together, etc and you feel that you are doing it truly for your children and being a good co-parent I do not see anything wrong with it.
I would probably feel different though if OM was in the picture and I don't think there is at this point in your sitch or at least you have not discovered 1 yet. I have not discovered one yet in mine as well.
just my 10 cents.
Thanks for the input! Our situations sounds really similar, and on a similar time line.
I am going to read through your thread to see if I can get any more insights. Until I do, how is your situation now? What does your R look like today?
ME44, W30 D17, S15 (mine from previous) D4 T:10, M:6
We (Me, W, and kids) usually decorate the Christmas tree together. The kids and I are planning on doing it tomorrow night. Should I invite her to come over and do it with us?
Here is the general DBing guideline about stuff like this- it is OK to invite your W to stuff as long as you have no expectations, and as long as you are going to do it WHETHER SHE GOES ALONG OR NOT. Say something like "W, the kids and I are going to decorate the tree tomorrow, you're welcome to join if you wish." In other words, the event will happen whether she is there or not. If there were an OM then I would agree with the others that you don't invite her. But it sounds like there is not, she's just confused about what she wants right now. So like 25 likes to say, keep the way home paved and smooth.
You don't want to pursue, but in my opinion telling her you are decorating and giving her the choice of joining (or not) is not pursuit. This is more along the lines of showing her what she's missing.
W moved out 3 weeks after she said she wanted a D. I snooped early on but could find no evidence of OM. Once she moved out I stopped snooping. I will say that my W was not over the top disrespectful with the yelling, screaming, saying rude things in front of our children etc. She was very cold and distant early on. There was no interaction between us at all unless it was kids or money. Our kids are very young though so it is impossible to go total NC.
I did a major temp check about a month after she moved out. She still told me a D was going to happen. She was very much in her too cool for school mode thinking she was soo much better than me and looking hot etc. I hated the way she made me feel that day I vowed to never bring us up ever again.
No mention of D or our R since the middle of July. Then on 10/31 she texts me out of the blue telling me she wants to move forward with mediation or at minimum to sit down and talk about where we are at, then she came back and said she was also tired and stressed so it may not be a good time. I responded to her and essentially said let me know what time works best for you so we can move forward. She has never responded to that text and we have not moved forward.
Since then she has started to open up more, be more talkative, more friendly etc. In general we still only talk about money or kid related activities. I never discuss anything personal about myself and she doesn't about her either.
During this entire process I have never yelled, screamed, said mean things or have done anything vindictive through this process. I have stayed calm, cool, collected and have kept my emotions in check. For me the first 6 months has been settling into a comfort zone. Currently I would say the relationship is like a friendly neighbor.
So I did invite her to come help decorate the tree. I said "the kids and I are decorating the tree tomorrow night, you're welcome to come if you'd like". She said she might, but she had to take her mother to the hospital early for some outpatient surgery. Anyways, there were some minor complications with her mom and they ending up staying later at the hospital. She texted me about 6:30 and said they had just got back and she was tired, going to go to bed early. The kids and I had a good time.
The past few days have been good. She has been texting me more and using emojis and stuff like she did before. We've had some good small talk conversations on the phone when our daughter calls. We also have plans to teach a CPR class together tomorrow (has been planned for a few months) so we'll have some interaction then.
Any suggestions on what I should be doing based on what's happening? Thanks!
ME44, W30 D17, S15 (mine from previous) D4 T:10, M:6
Change nothing, keep doing what your doing with no expectations. Friendly neighboor. 1 day she might be nice, the next day she might be mean and short. Don't read into it or take the bait. Stay calm, cool and collected like nothing bothers you. Just because she is reaching out more or being friendly does not mean that you start to initiate conversation again. No pressure.
Change nothing, keep doing what your doing with no expectations. Friendly neighboor. 1 day she might be nice, the next day she might be mean and short. Don't read into it or take the bait. Stay calm, cool and collected like nothing bothers you. Just because she is reaching out more or being friendly does not mean that you start to initiate conversation again. No pressure.
Thanks for the reminder. It's easy to slide backwards when they start acting nice. Just curious, what kind of things would represent a positive step on her side? Would it be her wanting to talk about the MR? I guess what I'm wondering is when should I start being nicer.
ME44, W30 D17, S15 (mine from previous) D4 T:10, M:6
There is no reason not be nice and friendly. Just like you would treat your neighboor. Be positive, upbeat just don't pursue. I try to avoid the who, what where, when, why questions. Every time you see your W you should confident, positive, upbeat and looking good. Fake it until you make it. I never ask W any questions and only know what she tells me. For example, today my W asked me if I could watch the kids for her because she a brunch birthday party to go to for a friend. I have no plans, have been out doing yard work and my oldest has a soccer game at 3 pm. I said sure no problem, she has probably only asked me 2 to 3 times in a 6 month period. I thought it was a good opportunity to be a good co-parent.
My W and I have not spoke about our R in 6 months. I would say positive steps would be if you start to see your W engage more with the family, maybe start opening up to you some, maybe not be as cold and distant. Just know that doesn't mean she wants to get back together it just means that you have successfully removed all the pressure from her. That is probably the stage I am in.
If your W is rude and nasty then adjust accordingly. So far my W has not been like that.
She hasn’t been rude or nasty throughout this whole thing. She hasn’t ever put any blame on me or said things that I’ve done wrong. She puts all the blame on herself, but can’t explain exactly what’s wrong, just knows she wasn’t happy with herself. That’s what makes it weird, because other sitch’s I read about there are fights and drama. We’ve also never said the words separation or divorce. When she went to her moms, it was just “I need to be away for a while”.
Also I think that the closest thing to a BD besides the night she left was in counseling when she said she didn’t feel attracted to me anymore.
Ya’ll keep me straight and on the right path with this!
ME44, W30 D17, S15 (mine from previous) D4 T:10, M:6
