The stage your h is in is replay, since there is a woman in the mix, drinking and picking up new hobbies, etc. I want to point out that the stages are not linear and they can bounce back and forth in them until they have resolved all of their issues. Also, do not focus on the timelines as each person is different, so are their issues and they will take as long as it takes to work through those issues. They timing is very slow and not the same as our timing in real life.
There is always hope and there is always the possibility of saving your marriage, but while he's in crisis, you need to keep the focus on you and your family. The first thing you need to do is protect your assets, i.e., bank accounts, financial credit cards, etc. Why? Because they love to spend money and can't account for what they spent it on and don't care if you have two nickels to rub together at the end of the day.
They have a lot of difficulty sleeping at night because when things are quiet and there's nothing to keep they focused elsewhere, that's when their thoughts run wild about what they've done and where they are going...so, I'm not surprised that he can't sleep.
One more thing, don't bring up the OW...just leave that conversation be. The more you talk about her to him, the more he will be focused on protecting her and you will be pushing him towards her more so. She's nothing but a band aid to his internal pain for now.
I would suggest that you listen to what he has to say, validate his thoughts/feelings about himself.
If he wants a divorce, then he needs to be the one doing the heavy lifting on this. The next time he brings it up say something like this "h, I need some time to adjust to everything that has happened over the last few months and I'll get back to you when I feel comfortable with the situation." Do not do the work for him! If he wants a divorce, then he should do the work.
Hang in there! It's a rough ride on the coaster, but you'll need to buckle up and dig deep for patience because they will try every nerve you have. Continue to post and start reading the homework that I have provided from Cadet and visit the other threads. There is a wealth of info on this forum to help you along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
