I'm on page 248 currently. You're trying to hard to understand and digest it as you go. Me, I'm just blasting through it so I can see its topography - I'm probably understanding less than 10% of what I read. When I get to the end, I'll go back to the beginning and read it MUCH more slowly. This stuff is profound - I find myself having very visceral emotional reactions to it as I read it. I have to be careful... there are sometimes kids in the room - I wouldn't want to unsettle them... (don't worry, I keep the cover well-hidden... and I never leave it where it can be found!
Don't worry, I wasn't insulted! What I said about 'some guy I don't even know' - I didn't mean you, I meant the author!! I am so so sorry; it wasn't til I just now went back and read it for myself that I realized I hadn't been specific on who I was talking about. Like I said, I haven't read any of the book. (We just bought our first house together and will be moving in this weekend, so hopefully next week I'll be able to hit the library there!) I had a feeling that 'sexual prime' had a diff meaning. I totally agree with everything you said, and I am certainly looking forward to growing old with my H cause I know things will get better. And, honey, if they get too much better I don't know if I'll be able to stand it!
Quote: ...true intimacy, which requires "growing up" enough to be able to handle it. NOT the kind of stuff for teenagers, but then they wouldn't be developmentally able to process this stuff anyway... (again, not a slur, just a fact).
I totally agree with that, too. While I may be closer in years to a teenager, I would have to say that when it comes to maturity (emotional, mental, etc.) I am definitely FAR removed. OH OH OH!! I believe I have a perfect example of this!!!!
My sister just recently turned 19. She has been dating the same guy for...just over 2 years now, I believe. Last year during her sr. year of high school, she 'realized' that she 'had feelings' for a fellow classmate after he had a serious accident. She ended up breaking up with her bf, but didn't end up with the other guy. Eventually, she went back to her bf. Only a short while after this, he proposed to her. She accepted and they started making plans. I was to be in charge of decorations and flowers, but every time I asked her how she wanted something done or what colors she wanted, she didn't act like she cared. "Do whatever you want; you're in charge." THAT was a big tip-off to me that she wasn't going to go thru with it. She basically told her bridesmaids to pick ANY color dress they wanted as long as it wasn't spaghetti strap. After graduation, she moved with her bf into the home he had purchased (ALL by himself, no help from her) as a surprise. That didn't last too long. He ended up working 3, count them THREE, jobs to support the two of them. She wouldn't even go out and look for a job. She'd just sit at home on the computer ALL day long and chat with her friends. She ended up moving back in with my parents after about two months. She broke up with him, and told him, "When you're ready to be my H you can come back." WTF???? I am sad to say, they are now back together, but with no plans of marriage any time soon.
Her bf is 2 years older than her, but about 20 years more mature. At least now she is taking some college classes, but she is still unemployed. Her bf is still working 3 jobs, but one he has switched to weekends-only.
My H and I can't get over how poorly she treats him, and how he just puts up with it. I know he does so because he believes he truly does love her, and that someday she'll grow up and be able to give him what he needs.
I think it's a perfect example of how important maturity is to a R and how teenagers can't experience the closeness and meaningfulness that my H and I do. And what my H and I have probably can't compare to what some of you have, or to what we'll have together 10-20-30-40-50-60 years from now. I am really looking forward to growing with my H, in every aspect of the word. Well, except for weight-wise. And since we aren't having any kids, we should have lots of time to work on our R and to grow together. Our R is going to grow every day, and that is exciting!! We just have to make sure it grows in the right direction.
Again, I wasn't at all offended by anything you said. And I hope nothing I said offended you - that certainly wasn't my purpose, either. I just needed some clarification on what you were trying to say. I know that my H and I currently have meaningful sex together; I guess it just upset me to think that just because I was young I was being put in a diff category, ya know? Like the book (NOT you!!) was trying to say that since my H and I are young we aren't having meaningful sex and that we aren't mature enough. I now understand much more clearly. I know things between me and my H will continue to grow and develop, and like I said earlier, I can't wait!
><> As we grow together, he's going to get better at pleasing me... *shiver of delight*
Quote: And what my H and I have probably can't compare to what some of you have...
FF, don't forget where you're posting! This is "the club nobody wants to belong to"! And I have to say, I wonder just what you're going through that you find yourself here, because you and your H sound comparatively well-connected. I, personally, have over 20 years of sex-starved marriage behind me, but I'm hoping I have at least 30 years of sexually intense marriage ahead of me...
Quote: Maybe I could benefit if I just subbed R for M when needed?
In fact, the book applies to ALL kinds of relationships, not just MARRIED couples. One example he gives involves himself in relation to his thesis mentor...
LOL, I know what you mean! I would have to say that we are well connected. I came to be here because I felt there was something 'wrong' with me because I was/am LD. I ordered SSM and we started reading it together. Like I said earlier somewhere, when I asked my H to read it with me his reaction was, 'Why? Is there something wrong?' Although he feels sexually satisfied, I was feeling a gap growing in our SDs. If I hadn't ordered SSM, and if I hadn't started taking action, there's a good chance my H and I would someday be in "the club nobody wants to belong to"! I think our age and the age of our R is a big plus. We don't have a lot of the stresses that most of you have (ie kids, 9 to 5 jobs, meno, MLCs, etc.). So I guess there are several reasons I'm here. I'm learning a lot about how HD people think, and about how the LD spouse affects the HD spouse. If I wasn't learning all this stuff now, again, there's a good chance we'd eventually end up 'in the club.' And since I gain so much from you guys, I like to 'give back' in the way of giving my POV on things. Sometimes what I have to say might not be at all helpful, but there might be a time or two when I surprise even myself and share a valuable piece of info.
BTW, things with me and my H are almost back to normal. And I believe we owe it to all you HDs on here. Hearing your POVs helped me realize that I should just talk to my H about my feelings and frustrations. After reading so much about how much you were willing to do for your LD spouses, I realized that, hey, maybe my H loves me that much, too. And he does! He has made every effort to make me feel sexual again, and we've both been completely open and honest with each other. Fri night we ML, and all day yesterday we felt soooo close to each other. We kept hinting at what the night might hold for us...but at the end of the day we were both tired. My H said, "See? We can both agree to not HS and still have a great day and night together." *sigh* I'm so in love.
Fuzzyfish, I am in awe of you. You are amazing! You are wise beyond your years. To come here, and read a book like SSM, when there's nothing seriously wrong, and when you are the LD partner (and BTW, it sounds like for you, LD just means *slightly* LD) is an amazing act of bravery and proactivity. You and your H are incredibly lucky to have found each other. I wish you many decades of incredible sex and intimacy together. Get PM and read it - it will be your golden key to unbound happiness...
Tim, If I were you I would have NO QUALMS about my adult children seeing a book called "passionate marriage". Now, I would be unsettled about them seeing the Lou Paget book that Michele talks about in her posts (and which I've GOT to get, she's sold me on it!!) because as I understand from her, it is explicit with photos and things like that.
But I think that kids need to see that marriage is HOT. I want my kids to know that the fun stuff doesn't happen in the teenage/college years. The fun stuff happens after marriage and years of building intimacy between two people. I will do my best to (cleanly, now) demonstrate that to them. That marriage is one hot thing and they totally have something to look forward to. I think that most kids right now think that marriage is a joke and you only get married (or pursue commitment) when you are ready to slow down and be boring.
I haven't really worked out all the details of my grand plan, lol, they are still really little but I just wanted to throw that in there.
I am thinking that if they see a sterile marriage between H and I and then I turn around and tell them to try and be chaste, well, where is the motivation for that? They would look at marriage and think, You want me to wait for THAT?!?
And I do realize that it will gross them out to high heaven to think of their parents being passionate and getting it on. While I sympathize with that (one thought of my own parents icks me out to this day), it is too bad. I will not act as if I have no desire for their dad, in a misguided attempt to shelter them from sexuality. After all, they will be BOMBARDED with sexuality from the outside world that they will travel in as teenagers, so why shouldn't I present a positive model of it in my own home? I want to present the other side of the coin--while they and their peers are worrying about STD's and whether the guy they just blew really cares about them (god help me if this comes to fruition, I will kill myself), I want them to see what TRUE and meaningful sexuality really looks like.
Just some thoughts!
Oh, and one more thing...I read this book two years ago and found it VERY helpful. I could see then and still see now, ways that we are fused. My problem then (and now) was this: Don't you think fusion is NORMAL in marriage? I mean, you spend so much time together and your very identity is completely wrapped up in the other person...ie, I am so and so's husband. I never could get a clear picture of what two married and non-fused people looked and acted like. I still do the holding on to myself exercise and it works, but I think that my perception of myself is far too wrapped up in what H thinks.
and will be moving in this weekend, so hopefully next week I'll be able to hit the library there!) I had a feeling that 'sexual prime' had a diff meaning. I totally agree with everything you said, and I am certainly looking forward to growing old with my H cause I know things will get better. And, honey, if they get too much better I don't know if I'll be able to stand it! 
*shiver of delight*