Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 7

[Holding]

It seems like every day I have a new hurdle to overcome. I have this tendency to just sit back and not want to deal with life's sh1t on a daily basis, like I want to cruise on autopilot. I know, classic NGS stuff. And it's ultimately a form of laziness. So my sitch is slowly showing me living like this is not working. I'm learning I have to be more of a fighter and go-getter.

Legal stuff: I found out I have a court date in the spring. I'm disappointed it's not sooner, since I'd like to move on with my life. It feels slightly comforting to see a possible end to this in-house S. And I realized I'm also a little sad, since I really wanted this to end differently when it all started. When I first heard about the court date, a little voice told me "See, she still has a few months to change her mind." Another part of me screamed back "STFU".

GAL: I went out to dinner last night by myself (this is GAL for me). I was thinking about where to go, and I decided on the place that "scared" me the most ("scared" in the sense that it would be socially uncomfortable for the old me). So I went into a popular restaurant and sat at the bar by myself. It started out empty at the bar, but soon had a couple of single women. I managed to strike up a brief conversation with one (which is a total 180 from the old me). She mentioned she had a boyfriend at one point, so I figured I'd back off a bit. I'm not looking to date right now, so this is just me trying to face my fears. Baby steps.

Hard stuff to write about: Two nights ago I had a dream that STBXW walked into my room, was in a good mood, and kissed me. In the dream I was confused at first but I liked it. Then last night I had a dream she was talking to me, smiling, laughing, and touching my arm while talking. Can I please go back to the dreams where I'm going on dates and kissing hot women? I can hear it now, "See, Holding, your subconscious knows you haven't really moved on or detached."

Next post: Dealing with STBXW