25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[25yearsmlc]

part 3


OH btw, one thing M disclosed about his role in his marital demise was that he used to hide things he believed his xw would over react to, and he gave examples of her over reactions.

For purposes of this discussion, I'll give him the point that she over reacted (assuming everything he says is true). That was not my focus of course.

I then said "but M, my h did that it really is a trigger. When you you hide things that are part of the truth needed by both, it is lying by omission, which is a cowardly form of lying."

Before I could say more, he agreed...

I went on b/c I feel so strongly about this

"And though I really understand your perspective THEN, just so you know, it's a deal breaker for me. Here is why -

it erodes my confidence in the r,

which makes me withhold emotions, love and probably physical expression of that b/c I won't feel safe

which means I become LESS loving or less showing of it, and then it's just a matter of time before we are circling the drain. You might even think it proves that I over reacted and then hide more, or outright lie more, and then it all goes downward..."

When it comes to asking for permission or forgiveness, for ME, 25, permission wins hands down. Which I said in my m many times.

I rarely said "NO WAY" to h when he asked for something authentically.
as in telling the whole truth about why something mattered a lot to him. Even if it was "a fun thing I've wanted a long time and here's how I think we can afford or do it."

Then we could talk about how we could make it happen. I maybe said "no" a few times early in the m but honestly, my reasons were freaking mature. Like "but the kids need..." iThen he'd act as if HE was making a sacrifice. I don't recall ever thinking "H should not get X b/c then I, 25 won't." I did not keep score. I never said no to what H wanted for something I wanted. And you know, I'm NOT proud of that. Where the hell was I in that? A piece of furniture being moved overtime we got reassigned?

But damn, sometimes h's demands were just out of whack. Buy an $11k ATV b/c he really wanted one (main reason was just that) OH and it "would really hunt well"

which = he really wanted one b/c HE likes hunting. He ended up buying himself one anyhow, ON our anniversary, and that just hurt my feelings. It embarrassed me And he did it without any involvement like the other MANY toys.

What a fool b/c it hurt our m so much and the truth is, with the exception of the ATV, which I'd have agreed to within a few months,

ALL the other toys (snow mobile, boat, trailer for the boat, paving our driveway without notice to me) I've have enjoyed getting WITH HIM. Instead it was just stuck in my face as a fait accompli.So much harder to enjoy those "fun toys" when they're just showing up for HIM.

I told M all this^^ to explain my buttons/deal breakers. How the dribbling out of info killed me.

And I promised not to lecture or over react as best I can, to a request for something.

"But please don't make me drag out dribbles of information or WONDER "is that all??"

I don't want that "itchy sweater feeling again"

and I'd rather be alone than wish I was,

or think "oh God, I am with another liar"

I know it was not easy for M to disclose or for me to hear. And I disclosed a LOT of shameful secrets of mine I've never told another man other than h (who threw it in my face last year, 20 years later AND in a new weird version).

And yet, here we are, M and I - thinking we might still find each other quite interesting and valuable.

I so wish he was not the first guy I've "really" dated since H.

Maybe we are just 2 people comforting each other on the plane crash of divorce.

and that's not a bad thing. It's a good thing.

And maybe we are more. And that's a great thing.

M has not been in my condo and I have not been in his hotel (he officially moves here in 3 weeks but will still travel a lot for the next 3 months).

When he assembles my media tower this weekend, THEN he'll be in my space and that's NOT necessarily going to be THE TEST, but it will be one of them.

I don't want him to break his promise to himself, but I also don't want ME to be held to it.

Know what I mean?

I have been asked out by other men and the option is there. Which means I'm free to say "yes/no thanks". (There is no exclusivity promise with M yet. I'm just not sure I can do the "stella gets her groove back" casual sex thing. For one thing, how do you get rid of the guy later and what if he stinks in bed? I could start laughing, and then I'd need the STD tests all over again. (OH my tests are negative and I do want to laminate and bedazzle the card declaring it so).

CONFESSION sort of - M's son is adopted and they're close. Great! But that means his wife was never pregnant...

So I mentioned that my kids were born of me, so I'm a woman with some stretch marks.
You know, the whole "I'm woman, hear me roar..."


I don't want to feel self conscious about that b/c I've lost weight and though I may always want a tummy tuck (trying to decide if that is MY desire or negatives from h)

I also want to feel comfortable as i am -- desired as I am,

(which always makes me feel more amorous, I swear.)

I mean what turns us OFF more than hearing a negative comment about our bodies/looks from a parter? Not much! Total libido killer buzz kill)

M said he thinks I look like a woman who had children, is supposed to look.

The way he said it, was the right way.

So, though I really wish I'd met him a year or two from now, I'm just going with the flow for now.

thanks for listening.