25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[25yearsmlc]

Hi

3 long updates

on the "divorce siege" approach, gotta admit, h's tactics sure do annoy. He has money in the bank - somehow-- but not me! Nope, I'm broke...How is that since we are both "unemployed and living on a pension?? " Granted, he has a "roomate"....

I inadvertently found more assets of his/ours and it's always like a fresh wound to discover. I hate it. True backslides...but in 60+<days it SHOULD be mostly over - at least this chunk.
Oh it was a 6 figure asset, to be clear. And yet he still fights paying spousal support for 5 years...

though his offer number has gone up to an embarrassing insulting amount, from....zero.

Progress?? (from Dumb & Dumber -) "So you're saying there's a chance????"


Can't wait for it to be over. Then He can be a dot on my horizon.

S31 visited my inlaws. I WANTED to ask wtf they thought and why they didn't reach out and how could they believe h's narrative (and what IS his narrative??) Why didn't they help d20? But s31 told them none of this...(I kind of want to send a Christmas card telling them how I'm dong AND praising s31 for being such a help GIVEN what happened to the tuition cut off and assault/arrest last summer and how "hard a time she's been having. Great brother, great son and great young man. So proud of him."

Too obvious??? [censored]...

ANYHOW- INSTEAD

I said only that I miss them (& asked about their health) and that I regret losing them to what I know are false character assassinations. And God only knows what else...(is it the extrovert in me that simply does not "get" how huge things go unsaid for decades or forever so there's never any closure??)

S31 said "mom, you can spend the rest of your life knowing that some people won't ever realize what a monster h has been - ever - or you can move on knowing the truth."

Obviously son is right. Obviously. I get it...and yet I still find myself looking in that rear view mirror thinking "but wait, I was a damn good wife and he STILL did this $h1t to ME?? Am I repressing? And what's with his lousy r's with the kids??"

And on and on and on.



INSTEAD I have to reframe and reframe and reframe my sense of rejection

and "what I DID" to "make h mistreat/leave me/our family" and remember to

see it as HIS problem and say "Goodbye to lunacy" and mean it and keep meaning it (all of which I've heard and written 29736 times here!)

*Combine this ^^^reframing ("this is not about me, or whatever was about me is already being worked on so, so it is not a problem now)

*with turning it over to God (I've not done this as much to be honest - and I CAN do that more and better)

and if you can - and *YES YOU CAN - replace the negative with positive.


New hobbies, new job GAL --- PMA (DB 101, seriously)

You don't "need a man" for this new positive input. But we DO need to drop or eliminate or great reduce seeing as much of the negative folks in our lives for now, truly they will suck out our energy for a struggling to be happy soul)

, AND you can have friends whom you inform "hey, I always believed maybe words of affirmation were Not my love language IN THE PAST - but they are now. And I could use some."

**As my awesome T says, "it's fine to be needy at times. To the people you love and know, YES go express those needs of yours."

Heck yes, lately I need to have validation about my appearance. I'm 57 so, Am I taking care of myself enough? Do I seem too irritable? Am I getting more patient? AM I STILL DESIRABLE??


These ^^ are hard questions to feel needy about, so vulnerable and weak sounding to us,

but it sukks more to wonder, I think. OR to seek out answers in unhealthy ways...

Folks, let's face it

When you get a gut punch & smack in the face enough, and those wounds tell you that you're ugly/stupid/fat/ or purple in color

you do need someone to say "Um, nope. You are just as attractive/smart, not fat and NOT purple, as ever. Maybe more so."

And needing to lose 20/200 lbs, IS ALLOWED...

Do YOU wanna lose it? Do it b/c you want to feel comfortable naked with a partner you care about OR b/c you will feels healthier, or you will be the fun aunt/grandma

or bc you want to wear your best clothes, or your knee and back WILL feel better or b/c you just feel like proving you can

not b/c some Schmoopie OW is skinny. ("Hey, I can lose 20 lbs, but she can't gain 20 IQ points OR get a character transplant...just saying"...)


**And then we transition IN TIME to do this "self esteem rebuilding) for ourselves b/c our self esteem at its' root, comes from within.

But with the hits we took, we are allowed to ask for help from loved ones, getting back on our feet. Not moping to them, but telling them what we need!

We must always have people in our lives who do give us some love in OUR love languages. Honestly, if they aren't, then we probably need new people in our lives.


((( )))