I've read about half of Passionate Marriage. I think the point about Differentiation is a VERY good one...but it flies in the face of cultural/media notions of romantic love.
Differentiation says basically this....you were an individual with individual wants/desires/needs before you got married...and that DOES NOT change once you get married. Sex is not JUST how YOU see it. Sex is also how your H/W sees it. If you want to have a Passionate Marriage you need to learn how to be that individual and that partner at the same time.
The point Schnarch is making is this: People are afraid to say what they want as individuals...so they don't do it...and then they don't get it...and then they are misserable. Fear controls them and fear ends the passion in their marriage.
The opening of the book talks about a couple that both enjoyed sex...but enjoyed it in different ways. Until they learned that sex is not always an apples to apples thing...it's not just insert tab a into slot b...that they had a passionate marriage. They knew they had to give to get...and they had to give up the fear and say what they wanted...
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
