After a 9 month deployment she is now WAW

[TXS77]

Ok so the saying is believe nothing that they say and half of what they do. Sandi you even told me to strap on for the ride of my life. Well, today she took me on a helluva ride. She was loosely discussing how she can't afford the mortgage, note on the SUV, etc. on her own. Well, about an hour ago I got a phone call from her while she was at the car dealership. She traded in the Denali XL suv without discussing anything with me. She lost money on the deal "big time" according to her. I have no idea what she bought but I think it'a a Toyota Camry. I wonder how in the hell thats going to haul around 5 kids. I calmly told her my opinion and hung the phone up. She sent me a text about 20 minutes later saying "I'm sorry if I upset you........." I replied she could have swallowed her pride and could have asked me for help (which I offered to her just yesterday when she text me saying she was was still thinking about downgrading) I finished by telling her it's no longer my problem and I got the fact that she wants to make her own decisions and that from here on out she is operating on her own.

I think this is a very clear sign that she is going to file for the big D.

Sandi have you in your time heard of anything so wild?

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[TXS77]

Help Please!

Ok, so today I get an email with a receipt from Apple iTunes for a ringtone purchase. The receipt was for a country artist song that is highly sexual and suggestive in nature. I read the lyrics of the song and the song is discussing a man and a woman having an explosive love encounter and experience. Why does this matter you ask? Well, my W only buys ringtones when she is going to assign it to the phone number of a specific person. She is not a fan of country music and I know darn well the song is not intended for me. Well today we were talking on the phone about business and money matters, how are we going to split the bills etc. and I ask her about the song. Her whole mood changed and she got really upset and snappy when I asked her about the song. I probably should have not asked the song because I know why she has the song but I couldn't resist. I wanted her to be aware that I knew. It seems that she forgot that I get emailed receipts for song purchases. It's the little things that always catch people up in their lies. Needless to say I got a notice that she removed herself from the family iTunes music account after we got off the phone. Should I have left it alone or was this a good way of putting it out there to her that I know what the deal is? Of note, my friend from college and his wife are having a scheduled delivery in Dallas this weekend. She asked her parents to watch the kids because "we" would be going up there to see them. But then she goes on to tell me that she is driving by herself and staying in Dallas alone the whole weekend. I called her bluff on it. I told her not to worry about going to see my friends on their special day. I told her that they would be suspect of her being there "alone" without me. I do believe she was going to see them but I think she was going to use the time to also be their with the OM. She got even more upset and told me "that's fine" and that she "still won't be home for the weekend" and the kids would be in San Antonio with her parents. This adds more to my belief about her linking up with someone else.

Do you think I'm wrong in my position?

[doodler]

Do you think I'm wrong in my position?

TXS77,

You're spot-on; she's having an affair.

Regarding the ring tone, don't feel bad about mentioning that. If her intentions were good, she wouldn't have any problem with you asking about it. Her response speaks volumes.

You might want to invite yourself along on that trip to Dallas.

[joejoe1]

TXS77,

She is def having an A. She's getting upset and resentful towards you everytime you get in the way of her plans.

It's time to detach. The earlier and faster you can get these techniques down the better chance you have.

Its time to let her go on her own journey and you on yours. She is in a fantasy, its time for you to become the better option and make yourself a person only a fool would leave.

Anytime you get in the way of her fantasy she will blow up or get agitated at you.

Take yourself out of the equation.

Stop calling and texting her. When you go to see your kids. Do just that. Let her know how long you will be there. When your time with your kids are up. Leave the house, don't sit around waiting to have a conversation with her. Only have conversations about your kids.

When she calls you ignore it. If she texts, thats its an emergency don't ignore her. All other situations, take your time with replying.

Give her space. AS has this saying that goes, you want to push her and her OM as close together as possible. Only then will reality start to set in. Her fantasy has to be hit with a dose of reality.

My Wife told me that one day I came home and said, you are pissed and it can't be at me, it must be because of something that happened with the OM. She told me that pissed her off even more because I was right, bit at the time she wasnt going to let me know I was right.

Its time to strap in and hold on tight, because a wild ride follows.

[TXS77]

Thanks doodler and joejoe1 for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. Goodness is great to have you two and others willing to jump in and help out. I think I'm going to follow your advice joejoe1 and do all I can to help them implode together.

joejoe1 as you already understand she will never admit to the A because she is on Active Duty just like me. Only thing is I'm here in San Antonio and she is 2 hours up the road at you know where. I don't want to be too specific about things. joejoe1 maybe we might be able to link up one day so you can give me some advice in person.

I'm trying my hardest to go dark and detach but dangit it seems like something happens everyday that we have to communicate with each other. Most often it's text but sometimes the phone calls happen. We have so many things going on between us with money, kids, career that we somehow always are in contact. 80-90% of the time it's her reaching out to me and it's usually about something she's doing with regard to the D.


What do each of you think about my earlier post and her trading in her vehicle?


Thanks

[joejoe1]

I think the situation with car you should move on from. It has happened so let her live with that decision. You can't control her, so don't even try.

We can meet up. I have my boys this weekend W is going out of town on a girls trip.

She does have a lot to lose if the A is exposed.

Next weekend I should be free. I used to make that 2 hour drive all the time. I was stationed in SA from 09-11, then got stationed up there.

Detaching, is you not intiating the conversations. Its not you not having them. If you donhave them, they should be short and to the point. If she is pursuing D, let her do all the work. Dont beg her to stop, dont get in her way. You DB your A$$ off. Give her the best TXS77 she has ever seen.

Also like I mentioned in the earlier post. Dont be in a rush to get back to her text. Don't answer all her phone calls. Start to create a little mystery. I used meetup.com and met all kind of nee people all over SA. It was a great way to GAL. It took my mind off my Sitch as well.

I play basketball at Randolph Brooks in the evening as well. Maybe we could me there.

[TXS77]

Just text her to ask to video chat with the kids. She responded telling me she was out and I need to call my sister to speak to them. I get on the phone talking to the kids and without promoting the eventually tell me "mommy is out and has been out every night" I asked my sister if that in fact is true and she confirms it. Tells me that the W has been out everynight. Couple of nights she was out watching "basketball and football". I found that odd. It didn't bother me though funny enough. I'm like let them spend all the time together they need/want. I think I have a good idea of who it may be. She's gonna have egg on her face when he drops her like a rock. If it's who I think it is he's about 7-8 years younger than her but has no kids and has never been married. I'll admit he does have something going for him. $h!T make no mistake I do too. Nonetheless, he'll tire of her quickly, especially when my sister leaves and will no longer be her nighttime baby sitter.

Let the games begin.........

[joejoe1]

Don't let this OM have any of your energy. Get him off your brain. It's not competition between the two of you. It's your W. You decide to stay or leave. You will get to that point. Get detaching and DBing.

[sandi2]

Sandi have you in your time heard of anything so wild?

I'm afraid I have. Women who have a wayward heart and have engaged in some type of an affair (PA, EA, or IA) have been known to show the worst side of womanhood.

In cases with waywardness, I have not seen success come from a H using soft, passive behavior. It calls for tough love, and a lot of newcomers are not willing to do it. So, the WW plays all sorts of manipulating games with her H.

You cannot fix your W's waywardness. Waywardness springs from resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. It is motivated by selfishness. Your W will not be interested in things from which she does not benefit. Everything is about her.

You cannot be a friend to a wayward W. She disrespects you, and is being unfaithful to you. If you act as if you want to compromise your values, integrity, morals/spiritual beliefs........why would she respect you as a man? You are not in competition with this OM for your W.

I think it is a mistake to try and help your W pay for the debts she causes. It is a mistake to rescue her and bail her out of her own messes. That is tough love, and it's hard. If you try to rescue her, thinking you are helping the chances of your MR.......she will drain you dry, and you won't be able to support your kids. I have seen WW lie, cheat, deceive, and con the H like you couldn't believe. They will use every trick in the book, ruin the H's credit, and drain the bank accounts. I'm warning you right now, protect your money! Protect everything you have by seeing a lawyer and getting advice.

Obviously, your W is not using good judgement. One reason is b/c she is operating from one place.......her emotions. And, her emotions are one hot mess! You cannot trust her. This is not the girl you married.

I am not supporting D, in case you misunderstand. I am supporting you, and those five kids, by warning you of the ways of a WW. IMHO, a WW can turn back in the right direction. It doesn't come like most newcomer H's want to think......but it can happen. You've got to be smart, get the information, and don't act on emotions......b/c you are probably bouncing off the walls trying different approaches. Stick with us, and apply what you are learning, and settle in.......b/c it isn't likely to end quickly.

I have about a half dozen threads about the WW and newcomer LBH's. The first link is on Cadet's first post to you. Help for the newcomer LBH with a WW. It might help you with some insight, and save some time, if you are interested in looking at them.