Holding, I used to have pretty bad ulcers from binge drinking when I was younger. Not coughing up blood, vomiting blood. Used to happen all the time when I was a heavy drinker. Water / Baking Soda and avoiding liquor like the plague fixed that right up.
As this thing draws on I am moving closer and closer to the person I was when she met me. I had been single for 5 years and had a room-mate just for the company. I was happy and content living that way. Do what I wanted when I wanted.
Thing is at this point in my life I don't want that life anymore. I want my marriage and my family as a single unit. What she wants and what I want are incompatible as it stands.
She told me once she resented me because being around me made her feel like she wasn't good enough. I didn't understand why should would feel that way. I think I do now.
I will be happy no matter how this mess ends. I will be okay and the kids will be happy too. There is no doubt in my mind about that. My happiness and my well being do not require her in my life and I think she is finally seeing that.
Not only that my happiness does not hinge on the approval of others or the things I have. I am happy doing the simple things watching my kids play, exploring a new park or just playing a game of pool with friends. Simple things maybe that makes it seem like I don't have goals or ambitions. I still do such as going back to school and getting a degree finally. Learning to play the guitar and some day being in a Metal band. Owning a corvette. You get the idea.
