Its sad that the majority of people who end up here go through the same routine. Not all will end up regaining their spouse, some will go through a few more relations not k nowing why and others will flourish, either with their current spouse or a new one.
In my experience a relationship that ends up like the ones here really needs a LOT of work to pull through. The positive side is that if you follow the advice but more importantly learn to develop your own initiative you grow as a partner.
You will never be the same, that is one of the results if you apply the techniques.
It is good you can keep your emotions in check, a lot of guys here are really having a hard time to keep their composure and need to work on themselves before trying on the relationship. The pressure is great and they are really way over their heads.
In my darkest hours I held heart to heart conversations with my wife to lay out my actions such as why I did things a certain way, admit I was wrong when I was and mention the things i was lacking from our relationship.
Many times during our rows like you have had she would throw dirt on me until one day I decided it was enough and said my sentence was over. I had paid for that with heartbreak, loneliness and guilt but my time was up and if she really deep down could never see to forgive then there was no sense continuing as a couple.
Forgiveness is important to yourself and to her. Looking back we have all scr3w3d up big time. If we really go back we can remember times when our spouses would light up when we met. The smiles, etc. We then feel guilt as we feel that we turned that person full of energy, life, hopes and dreams into what we have before us. We need to accept our part and forgive ourselves as we need to forgive them at some point. Bitterness is a heavy burden to carry. We will never move forward or move on if we dont let it go.
I always use as an example the sex starved marriage situation. If our spouses deprive us of sex and we need it to fulfill our relationship we find ways to get it. It then becomes artificial, as a chore if the lower drive spouse concedes. Is they do not we then start to miss those things that made the relationship work until inevitably an affair or Divorce occurs.
If we take the affair route and are caught, we are the bad ones. We tried to fill a space that the person who promised to love us neglected. Obviously there is no excuse for an affair but if you are a little understanding you can see that we were not cold hearted we just wanted affection, feel loved, part of something.
If you do want her back you will to forgive her and yourself which is why in my case when she was cold to me and hated me I felt in a way the same because I wanted something from her that I never got neither.
It was not until reading books by MWD and the part on making the first move and how my actions cause reactions that the ball started rolling. Everything else over time fell into place. I began to need less the board as I began to understand the game.
In a way this is like playing chess. Once you know how the pieces move and see some basic pointers, by constantly playing you begin to define your own strategy, moves, counter moves to achieve the goal.
Here is the same. Over time you will develop into a different person and handle things ina different way, not only at home but in general and if you do have a shot at making it work you will be better prepared.
So dont be too harsh on her or yourself, set your boundaries, enforce them, work on yourself, dont be too fixated on petty day to day battles but think outside the box.
The goal if you want her back is to win her back, dont beat her down even if you have the chance but defend yourself. Learn about baby steps, small acts that mean a lot to her but maybe nothing to anyone else, be like an expression used here during my time, a lighthouse to her when she is messed up. Dont go to her but make her feel safe coming to you.
I could go on with the things I learny and examples i have seen but I think you get the picture. Just know that it will take time to heal and there will be scars. You just have to make sure you think the juice is worth the squeeze.
