Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[Holding]

Journaling:

Thanksgiving week was pretty good, considering my sitch. I returned to our hometown, where STBXW had already brought our sons a few days before. I arranged to get them from her Monday and drop off Thursday morning. So this was our first real "drop off".

When I picked them up, we met in a parking lot at a mall. She didn't say a word or look at me when I looked at her. She seemed annoyed. I didn't say anything. She silently took their bags out the car and placed them on the ground. She told the boys bye, I grabbed the bags, and then we got in our cars and drove off.

I had a good time with the boys, and my parents and I found plenty of things for us to do. On Wednesday, S14 stayed at my parents' house while S10 and I went bowling. He and I both svck at bowling, but we had fun anyway. There were times when I was watching him bowl, that I could feel this sadness trying to pull at me. Like my brain was trying to remind me about the D. I acknowledged it for a second, but ignored it.

For the drop off Thursday morning, I texted her before to let her know I was on my way, the boys were dressed for Thanksgiving dinner with her family, and to remind her about the check she had promised me (part of our financial arrangement). No response.

When I got to her parents' house, I brought the boys up to the porch. FIL answered the door, smiled at the boys, then looked at me and said hey. I smiled at him and said hey back. We told each other Happy Thanksgiving, and I think we may have shook hands. Then STBXW appeared, gave me the check, told the boys hi, and walked back into the house with them. And that was that.

About an hour later I texted her to thank her for agreeing to let me spend a few days with the boys, and I told her Happy Thanksgiving. No response.

Anyway, the next few days were really good. Spent Thanksgiving day with my parents. Then got together with my sister and several old friends over the next two days. We talked about the D, but it was a good time. I really miss my hometown, and if I didn't have my kids keeping me in our new city, I'd move back in a heartbeat. Moving away from my hometown is another thing I'm angry with STBXW about, since she pushed so hard for it.

When I was driving back home on Sunday, I realized I'd been in a good mood being away from her and certainly didn't miss her. I expected she'd pull something or harass me in some way when I got back. Turns out, she couldn't even wait until I got back. While I was driving, she sent me this huge text where she asked if we could schedule mediation soon, and she mentioned that after some "insinuations" I made during our last big convo (the one where she gave me a hug), she realized she cannot live in the same house with me. She also blamed me and my L for delaying the legal process and saying this caused her to lose hope that we can settle this amicably. The whole text struck me as legal posturing, and I really resented that she tried to claim I made some insinuation that made her feel like she was no longer safe in the house. So yeah, the text got to me. I know it shouldn't have, and I'm angry with myself for letting it ruin my good mood from the week. I replied that I would definitely be contacting my L, and I said I wouldn't dignify the rest of her comments with a response. I also told her to send me all future comments about the D via email, not text.

When I got home, we didn't talk or interact with each other. I'm at least Thankful for that. But I went to bed in a bad mood. I let the legal maneuvering get to me too much. I'm starting to feel like every fact-to-face convo we have is a trap.

...

The next morning in the kitchen, while S10 was eating his breakfast, he asked me if I'd be sad if mommy died. I was upset by his question, and slowly nodded my head yes. At that point, STBXW walked in. She'd heard S10's question, but I don't think she saw that I had nodded my head. She told him not to ask questions like that.

Then she asked if I'd be going out that night (my usual Divorce Care night, but I'm done with the program). I asked her what difference it made (yes, I was very suspicious of talking to her). She got exasperated, said she was going to be making dinner later, and wanted to know if she should make me some. I said, ok, I'd like some. After she left the room, S10 asked me why I acted like that. That made me feel really bad, and I told him I was sorry he saw that, and D is hard.

So yesterday I was thinking I have to find a way to insulate my kids from all this negativity. I tried to talk myself into being less antagonistic, if for no other reason than the kids. I was home before STBXW, and I texted her to ask if I could get dinner started. She never responded. When she got home, I told her she didn't have to make me any since she was pressed for time. No response. While she was cooking, she made a loud, exasperated sigh a few times. When she put my food on the table, I said Thank You. No response.

All four of us ate dinner together, which rarely happens any more. STBXW and I sit right across from each other, but she never looked at me or said anything to me. We talk to the boys, but not each other. It's actually pretty awkward. After dinner she took the boys to their boy scout meeting.

When I was home alone, I had the strange urge to look at old family pictures of happier times. I didn't though.

So I feel like I'm all over the place. There's so much mental maneuvering with STBXW, it literally drains me.

(Whew, for a while there I was afraid of losing my "longest post" status.)