Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

I believe he started in on replay while my kids were in high school. That's when he started being mister "playa-playa" after losing weight, buying new "younger" clothes, spending what he didn't have, and trying to impress the kids by being cool (letting them drink from his flask on the ski lift and at parties, trying to be up on the latest trends, etc). Now, he's just as I described him. Depressed and...full of guilt. He doesn't seem to remember everything he's said to me, thank god...but I know from actions and some things he's said that he feels tremendous guilt.

I've come to accept that he's still baking...and may never be done. This was a long process before BD, I now realize. BD was a volatile reaction to both my D27's marriage and my "beating him up" for spending the majority of my daughter's wedding following Bubbles around as she got more and more irritated with her husband, who was drunk. But that BD was inevitable...if not then, it would have been soon after.

So really, at this point...he can have my comfy couch when he needs it. I can listn to him or I can just give him space. There's room for him in my life, but there may not always be. I'm open to change at all times...it doesn't scare me, anymore. What would be scary is losing myself in a relationship again. I won't do that. My goal is to be authentic to who I am at each point as I learn and change and not be so reactive as I once was. Just accepting of that which I can't change while changing what I need to that I can. And that has to do only with me...I wwon't try to directly change anyone else, unless its through my own example.