Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

Thought I'd catch up and journal a bit today, as I have time.

I still worry a bit about holidays with my grown up family that has lives of their own. Everyone's so busy. I knew this would happen because it happens to everyone eventually as our kids grow into adults; it happened to us, too. But I always knew that I had a large open "forever" home that I looked forward to welcoming kids, their spouses, friends, and eventually grandkids for however long they wanted to stay. My husband and I worked so well as a team; cooking, cleaning, planning and creating a great holiday experience for everyone. So the last few years have been so different and uncertain that I just absorbed the pain of it all; putting on a happy face and muddling my way through it. I approached holidays with at various times a victim mentality, a false strength, a passive hopefulness, an "I'll show him" attitude, ...anger...all the while wondering what he was doing, jealous of who he was doing it with while I was hurting and making do with a terrible situation. That was my mindset off and on as it evolved since BD, anyway.

So basicly that s%cks. I'm better than that. You're right, bttrfly. I will never lose sight of that again. We may not be in control of what happens to us in life (control is an illusion, after all), however we are very much in control of our reactions to what happens to us. On that note, I decided to make my home home base for our holidays...with flexibility to allow my daughters (or ex-husband) to host or contribute if they want. Yes, I said XH. We are connected as a family, no matter what happened to our marriage. I understand he is going through some sh!t that I will never fully understand, but I still care about him and I'm tired of trying not to. That isn't working for me, so I'm putting my energy into just doing what makes me happy. Part of that involves not excluding him from my life, but giving him the choice to be a part of it on my terms while at the same time respecting his. So far, maybe due to guilt or whatever, he doesn't really seem to have terms other than don't push, don't confront, don't ask him to care, and don't tell him how to do anything with his life. All fine. Thus, he was invited to Thanksgiving. I invited and he said that that would be very nice. He also offered to bring things.

The twist is, we have begun a tradition in the past few years to accomodate schedules and in-laws and such, so TDay is now celebrated the Sunday after the official day. So, last night. Good thing, as I had a touch of the plague on the actual day. Plus, no one in my family likes turkey enough to have it twice in four days, so I hosted and made prime rib roast. Everyone contributed and made things that they were absolute rockstars in making. D27 asked that I make sauces for ice cream to have a sunday bar and the salt and herb crusted roast, we came up with the veggie dishes together, then she complained about the pies at her in-laws TDay, so she asked me to make a pumpkin-bourbon-pecan pie (gluten free) so she could have pie. Everyone asked XH to make his gramma's famous side dish and his amazing guacamole, and D27 put D25 in charge of her fantastic garlic mashed potatoes. We had a truly great dinner and watched a few shows of a few comedians that D27 and her hubby had discovered on Netflix. We usually play games, but we had tears from laughing so hard. So, I don't know if XH had too much to drink, but after everyone left he curled up on my couch instead of leaving. He seemed so comfortable...it was kind of surreal in that it was so normal, yet in my house that was no longer "ours". I told him I was going to replay the first show by the first comedian that D27 and her hubby were watching before everyone arrived, because I missed most of it while cooking. So we watched together as I cleaned a bit.

Afterward we talked, catching up on how his family is doing and practicing my therapy skills (why the heck not?). He really needs a good therapist. His feelings are stuffed soooo far down...he has none. His mom's prognosis, his dad's issues, his debt load...all mentioned but all...fine. Oh, and he's old. He just sees life as going down hill, but its all fine. There's a bit of a subtle anger and hopelessness with the sadness. I questioned his statement about not changing at "our age"...I'm loving the fact that one can continue to evolve as long as one continues to learn. He spoke of his world closing in because he was tiring easier and less able to do things. He went to the hospital twice this summer...I mentioned he might just be out of shape. But I listened to him. He stayed for almost three hours.

Yep. Can't fix him. Still love him. All I can do is keep searching for me, keep evolving, and do what makes me happy. I guess I can model being a happy midlifer while he surrounds himself with young people and bemoans his inability to keep up. I did get a very nice hug as he was leaving, which I prompted.

But I will say, both girls called to thank me for making the holiday great. They already are trying to think of what to do at my house for Christmas, lol. And they were happy to see each other. This divorce, plus D25's mental issues and D27's busy work schedule, has been hard on their relationship, too. I guess I'm realizing I was their rock and I kind of became a puddle there for awhile. I'm back to being solid again and they are relaxxing. Their dad is still a concern, but at least I'm not. And they seem very happy that I'm not pushing or excluding their dad. They still have their family at holidays and important events. I don't know if anything will ever change between XH and I, but really...its different every time. So it kind of is. Every time. Talk about evolving...